There is no sadder part of the calendar year than the stretch between mid June and mid July. Sure, it’s summer and the kids are out of school. The weather is generally nice—as long as you aren’t drowning in humidity. People are generally more pleasant during the early days of summer.
But it’s still hell, because there’s no hockey, there’s no basketball, and football players aren’t even practicing. This is literally the one time of year that the NFL doesn’t draw any news, because quite literally nothing is happening.
So for the past three years, we’ve tried—mostly unsuccessfully—to entertain you with a pointless tournament sure to make 80 percent of you shrug your shoulders and the remaining 20 percent get unreasonably angry over something that doesn’t matter (but actually means EVERYTHING).
That’s right, it’s NAME BRACKET SEASON!
If this is your first time experiencing Name Bracket, turn away now before you get sucked into its madness. It will suck your lifeforce. It will force you to answer questions you wish were never proposed. In short, it will drive you insane.
If you’ve already experienced Name Bracket, my apologies. Your soul, along with mine, were lost long ago. The Name Bracket has already consumed you, so you are irrevocably a part of this, whether you want to be or not.
The purpose of the tournament is simple: Decide which Detroit Lions player—who is on the roster as of today, June 18, 2018—has the best name. But the tournament isn’t quite as simple as that.
Our tournament has seen deceit, fraud and controversies at every level in its past three years. But instead of improving our methods to prevent voter fraud, we have, instead, welcomed the madness. This is a pointless tournament that has only produced evil since its inception, so if someone wants to cheat themselves to the top, they are welcome to do so. Afterall, we have Matt Patricia now, cheating is welcome.
Before I offer up this year’s bracket, here are our previous champions:
Sadly, Storm Norton will not be around to defend his title. He has defected to the Vikings, and will be forgotten forever. He is the only known person to escape the grasp of Name Bracket, so his name will never be uttered again.
In other sad news, the Lions recently released two of the biggest underdog contenders in this bracket. Wes Saxton and Raysean Pringle had such promise, such potential, but the cruel Name Bracket Gods wanted no part in their name game. Pringle was a guaranteed two-seed, at worst. Sad!
Alright, let’s get to it. Here is the 64-man bracket. Seeding was determined by myself, but placement in each region was random. Yes, that means there were 26 players that didn’t even make the cut. If you have a problem with a certain player not making the tournament, take it up with the competition committee. By the way, “competition committee” is a nickname I have for my compost pile. Compostition Committee.
Here is the official 2018 Detroit Lions Name Bracket:
(If you want to download it and print it, you are taking this way too seriously, but can do so here.)
Let the arguing begin! Who is seeded way too low? Who is your favorite to win? Why oh why are we doing this again?