2018 Detroit Lions Name Bracket: Round 1, Paul Pasqualoni region

Welcome back to Round 1 of the 2018 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament, where the objective is to have fun and love one another yell at each other over trivial things, because there’s no football to talk about and we’re angry about it.

We’re one region deep into our tournament to decide the best name on the Lions roster, and I’m already Dad Disappointed in you all. Deontez Alexander is inexplicably losing to Don Muhlbach in the Jim Bob Cooter region, and if that doesn’t change in the next day or two, I may just end this thing early (for those new to the Name Bracket, I threaten to end this thing about 20 times during the proceeding and will never actually do it.)

Anyways, today is a new day and a new opportunity for you guys to mess this up. Here are your first round matchups in the Paul Pasqualoni region.

1 Jace Billingsley vs. 16 Luke Willson

Newbies may be confused to see Jace Billingsley as a one seed here, as it is a fine, unique name, but maybe not the kind of outstanding title worth of a top seed. Forgive my language, but that makes you an ignorant slut.

Jace Billingsley took this tournament by storm in 2016, with his entire hometown of Winnemucca flooding Pride of Detroit to stuff the ballots. If it weren’t for a few hacking Lions fans, Winnemucca would’ve done it again last year. He’s earned his way to the top, and you will respect him, damnit.

His first round matchup is the strongest 16-seed in the tournament. Not only does Luke Willson share the name of THE Richie Tenenbaum, but his parents threw an extra L in there just for the hell of it. I appreciate that, because now the Lions have two players that act as solid filters for good fans vs. bad fans. Ruddock + Wilson = bad fan. Rudock + Willson = good fan.

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.

8 Al-Rasheed Benton vs. 9 Stefan McClure

Here’s the thing about the name Al-Rasheed Benton: it’s a foreign name, and those tend to do well. I’m not all about that. Foreignness is not the same as uniqueness, and as far as I’m concerned, Al-Rasheed Benton isn’t all that interesting of a name. I like the name Rasheed, because it reminds me of the time Rasheed Wallace was ejected for staring at a ref. It’s true. That happened:

Benton is also good, because Bento Boxes are delicious. But together, it’s just a meh name.

You may remember Stefan McClure from such NFL teams as the Indianapolis Colts and the Oakland Raiders, but his name doesn’t do much other than remind us of that fun Simpsons character. Plus, Stefan brings back memories of Logan, and we do not need to rehash this moment yet again.

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.

5 Quandre Diggs vs. 12 Nevin Lawson

This could be Quandre Diggs’ year. In the past, his name has gone extremely underappreciated in this tournament, but now that Diggs has won over fans as a player, I think he could make a deep run in this tournament. It’s not often that you’ll find a person with a punnable first and last name. But Nevin Lawson is in quite a Quandary, ya diggs?

I was once a big proponent of the name Nevin Lawson, due to its proximity to a character from “The Jerk” and the last name Lawson sounds like a declaration. That’s the law, son! But he’s the clear underdog here, and rightfully so.

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.

4 Beau Nunn vs. 13 Bradley Marquez

There’s nothing phonetically pleasing about the name Beau Nunn. It doesn’t challenge the mouth or produce any interesting sounds, but there’s something just fascinating about it on its surface. Is it its proximity to the phrase “bar none?” Is it its brevity and balance between the first and last words? Is it because if you say the name really fast, it kind of sounds like “bonin’? Oh, it’s the last one. It’s definitely the last one. You are no longer Beau Nunn. You are Bonin’. I’m sorry to be the high school bully here, but it has to be done.

Neither Bradley nor Marquez is particularly unique, but I actually like the full name. Again, we have a nice balance of two syllable names on each side, and there’s a certain hoppiness to the cadence of the name. It’s no Bonin’, though.

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.

6 Ameer Abdullah vs. 11 Brian Mihalik

This is an intense battle between two of the most pleasant-sounding surnames in the tournament. I absolutely love “doo-la” as a sound and as a profession. Mihalik sounds Hawaiian, which I happen to think is one of the most beautiful languages in the world. Their use of vowels—though sometimes over-abundant—is both challenging and poetic.

But, for me, Abdullah takes the cake here both for the alliteration and the better overall first name.

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.

3 LeGarrette Blount vs. 14 Tavon Wilson

If you’re reading this at 16:20 military time, I have a pretty good idea of who you are going to vote for. But I think LeGarrette Blount’s name has value beyond its herbal likeness. I love double-lettering, as it reminds me of extra-large vending machines that have too many choices for a puny 26-lettered alphabet to contain. DON’T PRESS “A” TWICE, THERE’S A DOUBLE A BUTTON, YOU FOOL! ENJOY YOUR HORRIBLE BBQ FRITOS THAT ARE PROBABLY 2 YEARS OLD BECAUSE WHAT MONSTER WOULD PURCHASE THOSE?

Um, anyways. I don’t know why Tavon Wilson is in this tournament. His name isn’t very good.

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.

7 Cornelius Washington vs. 10 Ryan Santoso

Cornelius is objectively the best name for a football player. There is no more jarring disconnect between profession and name than football player and Cornelius. It’s like if a policeman was named Officer Smuggledrugs.

If you don’t say the name Cornelius with a kind of regal drawl, then I don’t know what you’re doing with your life. It’s funny every time, and makes me really wish Cornelius Washington was British.

That being said, Santoso is an excellent last name and I think there’s upset potential here. It’s impossible for me to pronounce that name without going all Adam Sandler Operaman.

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.

2 JoJo Wicker vs. Sylvester Williams

I’m just going to say it: JoJo Wicker should win this tournament. His name sounds like something an overly zealous cat owner would name their new kitten. I have never met a JoJo, and I may never. Also, is it customary for a JoJo to capitalize both Js in the name? Because. I. Love. It. Let’s just see if JoJo has the mojo to make the Lions’ roster this year.

Sylvester Williams barely made the cut due to his boring last name, but I do like the name Sylvester. It reminds me of the fifth best cartoon cat. UH OH. IT’S CARTOON CAT LISTCAST TIME (TV only):

5. Sylvester
4. Tom
3. Scratchy
2. Felix
1. Stimpy

If you don’t see the poll above, vote here.