We’re already halfway through the first round of the Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament, and we aren’t slowing down yet. We’ve yet to see any of the titans fall, but I can sense it coming. Shenanigans are coming. Be prepared.
Now we enter the Rod Wood region, which I believe is the strongest of the four. It may result in some ridiculous blowouts in the first round, but things are going to get vicious very soon. There will be blood. Protect your milkshakes.
1. Miles Killebrew vs. 16 Antwuan Davis
This year, his path is clear to victory, and rightfully so. I am a bit worried that his best chance to win the tournament was his rookie year, when the name was fresh and his popularity as a football player was at its highest. But now, everyone has made all of the beer jokes and Killebrew’s playing career in Detroit is in danger. But, come on, his name is Miles Killebrew. I shouldn’t have to explain this.
Antwuan Davis: You have a very ordinary name with unordinary spelling. That’s not good enough, my friend.
8. Joe Dahl vs. 9 Dontez Ford
Joe Dahl is simplistic and beautiful. But his name has been forever ruined to me, by this scene in “Louie.”
Dontez Ford has the local business thing going, but, to me, that is a cheap trick. And us here at SB Nation do not resort to corporate shilling.
To me, Dontez Ford really shines in its first name, not its last. Like, in one of these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remakes, Donatello should absolutely be replaced by Dontez. Of course, that would throw off the whole artist references thing and piss off a bunch of 35-year-old nerds, but that only justifies the decision more. PEOPLE OF EARTH, REBOOTS ARE NOT FOR YOU. THEY’RE FOR A NEW GENERATION. CHILL THE EFF OUT.
5 Adam Bisnowaty vs. 12 Nick Bawden
How did someone named Adam make it all the way to a five seed in this tournament? It’s because Bisnowaty is one of the most underappreciated last names on the team. Bisnowaty does things to my mouth that I didn’t know I was capable of.
Okay, let’s pretend I never typed that. I would erase it, but I have never used my backspace key in my life and I’m not about to start. That probably doesn’t surprise a lot of daily readers.
Anyways, I just love how Bisnowaty makes me aggressively hit that W. I hit that W like James Brown screams “WATCH ME” in “Super Bad.” Adam Bisno-WATCH-ME.
I can’t explain it, but Bawden seems like a perfect name for a fullback. It’s aggressive, it sounds pretty masculine. And the fullback position is the closest thing to a defensive player that the offense has. His job is to literally run at full speed at other players in the hopes to knock them on their ass.
However, his name is too close to “Bawitdaba” so he must be eliminated. Get well soon, Nick, but get the hell out of my tournament.
4 Jeremiah Ledbetter vs. 13 Steve Longa
Last year, I regretfully hyped up Jeremiah Ledbetter’s name by jesting that it sounded like bed-wetter. I will not be doing that thi—IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE BED-WETTER. I know I’m playing high school bully again, but it’s uncanny! And don’t worry, I’ve got Jeremiah’s back. Us Jerems have to stick together. Too often, we’re called Germ or Germy. I even was called Germany back in the day by a kid who couldn’t pronounce Jeremy.
Steve Longa doesn’t belonga in this tournament.
6 Kerryon Johnson vs. 11 Kenny Golladay
Well, this is a marquee matchup for a 6 vs. 11 seed.
I’ve already seen an internal debate among Lions fans on which will be Kerryon Johnson’s anthem this year. Is it “Kerryon, My Wayward Son” or is it “Kerry-On” by Fun with a period, because the band isn’t good enough for an exclamation point. The latter certainly has a more anthem feel to it, and Carry On, My Wayward Son is a troubling song with troubling lyrics. However, the Fun. song is just a bit too on the nose for me. I’d love to hear a third suggestion, because both of those feel too easy.
There has been a similar debate as to what Kenny Golladay’s nickname should be. Is it Go-all-day? Is it Golladay Inn? All we know is that it is 1000000 percent not “Babytron” no matter how hard some jerks try.
3 Leo Koloamatangi vs. 14 Glover Quin
Leo Koloamatangi’s name is 53.3 percent vowels. That seems low considering how much weight those vowels carry. That last name is as close to perfection as you can get. I say the entire thing with pursed lips, which is by far the best lip formation there is. That’s just science. So according to both math and science Koloamatangi is a superb name. Just try and kick him from the tournament and see what happens.
Glover Quin is a pretty solid 14 seed, but he has fallen to Name Fatigue at this point. This may not even be funny anymore:
Nah, it’s still good.
7 Frank Ragnow vs. 10 Kenny Wiggins
Well, well, well. What have we here? Two offensive guards facing off in the Name Bracket before they face off in training camp. While I think both battles will eventually have the same outcome, this is a closer battle than the football one promises to be.
Let’s start with the underdog: Kenny Wiggins. That last name is so damn silly. It reminds me of the kid’s music ground the Wiggles or, better yet, the 30 Rock knockoff version, the Woggles.
It’s also on brand that he goes by Kenny, not Kenneth or Ken. It’s just a very silly, childish name, and I like that.
If Kenny Wiggins is light and silly, Frank Ragnow is the exact opposite. Frank is a tough, brutish name and Ragnow is just a punch in the face. And it’s proximity to “Ragnarok,” an event in Norse mythology in which a series of natural disasters vanquish several gods, is the most badass thing in this tournament.
I don’t want to decide this one, so turn your head and cough and vote.
2 Darius Slay vs. 15 Nick Bellore
I gave Darius Slay the two seed out of respect more than anything. Now that the rest of the league has finally taken notice of his play, his a big-timer, and quite honestly, I’m afraid to disrespect the man.
That being said, I’m over Darius Slay’s name. I will give him this, though: his name is bolstered by one of the best TV characters in recent history, Darius from “Atlanta.”
Slay was a cool last name when he first entered the league, but now that he’s actually slaying his opponents, it just seems redundant.
Nick Bellore is an alright name, but I have a special place in my heart for the guy after his excellent episode of “Talkin’ With T.J.”
“Ebron gets mad at me every time I catch the ball and he doesn’t, so I’m trying to just take receptions from him. That’s basically my goal on offense,” Bellore said.
This has nothing to do with his name and shouldn’t be considered when you vote, but I can talk about anything I want here and you can’t stop me.