We’re already flying through the Name Bracket tournament, and we’re about to be introduced to the final region of the first round. If you want to play catch up—and I highly suggest that you absolutely do so—voting is still open. So call up your favorite Russian friends and stuff those ballots:
Here are the final 16 Name Bracket competitors:
1. Golden Tate vs. 16 Amari Coleman
Much like Miles Killebrew, Golden Tate may have squandered his best chance to win the tournament already. In the inaugural tournament, Tate was the runner-up to Ezekiel Ansah in an extremely wrong decision by y’all. I’ll forget, but I’ll never forgive: Lucille Bluth style.
But much like one adjusts to fart-filled room, we’ve all grown accustomed to the name Golden Tate and its novelty has worn off. He’ll still likely make Sweet 16 appearance, but in what could be his last Name Bracket appearance, I fear he’ll be overtaken by new blood.
I’ll say this about Amari Coleman: I absolutely love the name Amari. It feels like a warm blanket. Y’all know I love vowels, but it’s really the M that is doing all the work here. It’s an adhesive that bonds together such a soft, lovable name. Among very normal-sounding names, I love Amari Cooper possibly the most. Amari Coleman is the imitation crab version of that name. Sure, I’ll eat it, but I’ll always resent it for not being the real thing.
8 Graham Glasgow vs. 9 Taylor Decker
You may think the Lions are playing Frank Ragnow at left guard because they feel that is the best place for him in his rookie season, but I’m here to tell you that is lie generated by the fake media.
The Lions are putting Ragnow at left guard as a buffer between Graham Glasgow and Taylor Decker, because the two have been beefing about this tournament. This is why I am placing them against each other in the first round: To get this over with.
Graham, you’ve got the alliteration and the worst part of a s’more. Decker, you’ve got a name that literally explains your job: To deck.
Personally, I think Glasgow takes this one by a longshot, but I just want this beef to end. Let’s squash this beef.
5 Jeremiah Valoaga vs. 12 Rolan Milligan
Last year, I stanned for Jeremiah Valoaga throughout the entire tournament. You heathens ousted him in the Sweet 16 to Ezekiel Ansah, because you’re Lions fans and you have poor judgment (those things are obviously related). Say Valoaga in a Fred Durst voice. Now vote for him for the rest of this tournament.
Rolan Milligan is a good name and directly translates to The Land of 1,000 Gans. I made that up, but it certainly seems like it could be true.
4 Marcus Lucas vs. 13 Sean McGrath
Marcus Lucas is an amazing name, and I will have no one convince me otherwise. Some have already complained that it’s over-seeded and those people need to be publicly shamed.
I'm triggered by him as a 4 seed. Really?— John Whitaker (@Wrath_of_John) June 18, 2018
Please send all disappointed head shaking GIFs to @Wrath_of_John. Right now, please, and don’t even explain why. Just the GIF. Here, I’ll start.
Sean McGrath is only in this tournament because of Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath, whose best work was playing himself in the short-lived, but highly entertaining Netflix show “Lady Dynamite.” Someday is an alright song, though.
6 Jalen Reeves-Maybin vs. 11 Anthony Zettel
In a way, I think the name Jalen Reeves-Maybin is an affront to this tournament. It feels like he’s trying to cheat his way into the tournament by adding a third name. But as has been firmly established in this tournament, cheating is not only allowed in this thing, it is encouraged. So in a way, I respect Jalen Reeves-Maybin as a name more than ever.
Zettel is a solid last name because it start with a Z, I guess? But this name would be infinitely better if he went by Tony Zettel. Tony Zettel sounds like someone I’d go see in Vegas. “Dude, you HAVE to see the Tony Zettel show at the Venetian, it’s life-changing, and you can only spend so much time eating crab legs at the buffet.”
Completely unrelated note: If you’re not eating crab legs at the breakfast buffet of every Las Vegas hotel, you’re doing it wrong.
3 Zach Zenner vs. 14 Jake Rudock
Zach Zenner is a superhero name. You just don’t get alliterative Zs in the real world, so it’s deserving of such a high seed.
I like to sing Jake Rudock’s name into “The Dock of the Bay,” because I grew up with way too much Weird Al in my life. He was the first concert I ever attended. He was also the second and third...
I’m just sittin Jake Rudock in the game. Watching the Staff just throw away.
7 A’Shawn Robinson vs. 10 Hakeem Valles
A’Shawn seemed like such a good name when the Lions drafted him back in 2016. Then Detroit went out and signed a DeShawn Shead and drafted a Da’Shawn Hand. A’Shawn gets credit for being the OG, but he is absolutely on upset alert this early in the tournament.
Hakeem is a name that belongs to one of the greatest basketball players/names of all time: Hakeem Olajuwon. “Keem” is such a pleasurable sound to make, and I’m convinced that’s the only reason why people actually eat quinoa. It’s not that quinoa is bad, it’s totally fine. But couscous is RIGHT THERE. Though, I have to give it to the rice alternatives: they know how to brand themselves with awesome names.
However, I just learned that Hakeem’s last name is not pronounced “vai-yayes.” It’s actually pronounced “vuh-less.” That’s a huge misfire by the Valles family, and it should cost him dearly.
2 Teez Tabor vs. 15 Dan Skipper
Alright, let’s nip this one in the bud early, because newcomers to the tournament are licking their lips to “well, actually” me to death. I know his name is Jalen Tabor, but the Lions’ official roster has him listed as Teez Tabor. It’s not comparable to Ziggy Ansah, because he’s Ezekiel on the roster. So, BACK OFF, YA JERKS. It’s Teez Tabor and it’s a damn fine name.
Dan Skipper sounds like your uncle that’s a little too into hunting and posts those horrific photos of bloodied deer corpses on Facebook like people actually want to see that while they’re scrolling at their office jobs. On the other hand, it also reminds me of Muddy Mudskipper and that’s now the second Ren and Stimpy reference I’ve made in the first round. Next round, get ready to discuss the excellence that is Powdered Toast Man.