We’ve made it through the first round of the 2018 Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament, and we’re all still alive—I think. For the most part, the first round was painless, but there is trouble on the horizon. This is going to get increasingly tougher, and we are going to grow to hate each other. We’re getting to the point in this tournament when I start regretting doing this, as it begins to tear at the fabric of this site. We’re better off debating the legitimatcy of the Detroit News story on Matt Patricia.
But let’s not.
Let’s get into the second round of the Name Bracket. Here is the updated left side of the bracket:
Onto the matchups:
1 Ezekiel Ansah vs. 9 Don Muhlbach
Two Name Bracket veterans face off in what could be their final Name Bracket appearances of their career.
JUST KIDDING, DON MUHLBACH IS ETERNAL AND WILL NEVER STOP LONG SNAPPING. In fact, Muhlbach is so synonymous with long snapping that NFL Network’s Kyle Brandt thinks he should be rated 99 in Madden. No, I’m not kidding:
There are 7 players rated as 99 in #Madden19 but what other player deserves a top rating in @EAMaddenNFL?@89SteveSmith➡@juliojones_11@KyleBrandt➡Don Muhlbach@PSchrags➡@chanjones55@ColleenWolfeNFL➡@TG3II pic.twitter.com/7fb32BQPe0— GMFB (@gmfb) June 29, 2018
Anyways, Don Muhlbach isn’t all that good of a name and shouldn’t have defeated Deontez Alexander, but it was nice of y’all to give him one last ride. WAIT, NO. DON’T LEAVE US MULE.
5 DeShawn Shead vs. 4 Josh Fatu
DeShawn Shead doesn’t sound like a name. It sounds like a Twitter handle. “Hey yo, go follow me @De_Shawn_Shead.” (not his actual Twitter account) It’s alliterative without actually being alliterative. Would his name be better if it was Shawn Shead? Of course it would be, but it’s almost like he has a title in front of it. The Shawn Shead. Maybe that’s even better.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around what I like about Josh Fatu. I think it’s because it sounds like a more compact Nosferatu. I don’t know what his middle name is, but I hope it starts with an R. Josh R. Fatu. Nosferatu. Yeah, that’s the stuff.
6 Teo Redding vs. 3 Levine Toilolo
My dream of having Teo Redding and Theo Riddick face off is just one round away. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Teo Redding is an above-average name, but it’s nowhere near the brilliance of Levine Toilolo.
Can we just start calling him Levine Tro-lo-lo?
(If you haven’t seen this yet, I’m sorry. If you’ve already seen this, I’m sorry.)
10 Christian Ringo vs. 2 Theo Riddick
Christian Ringo pulled off the biggest upset in the first round, partially inspired by my defamation of the Beatles member that had no business being part of the group. #TeamPeteBest
Since you all defied me, you will be punished with more horrible Ringo songs. This will continue until you kick Christian Ringo out of this tournament.
Be warned. It can get worse.
Theo Riddick is a strong name, and for me, it holds up against Name Fatigue. I have never met a Theo I didn’t like and Riddick is such a strong, tough name. The fact that I’m still pulling for this guy says two things about this tournament: I love this name enough to ignore the fact that Theo Riddick is, to date, the only Lions player to have ever blocked the Pride of Detroit Twitter account (I still have no idea why). And secondly, I hate Ringo. I seriously hate Ringo.
1 Jace Billingsley vs. 8 Al-Rasheed Benton
If there was any belief that Winnemucca—Jace Billingsley’s hometown—would rest on their laurels, the first round put that to bed. Again, the polls were flooded in Jace’s favor, as his matchup earned nearly 900 votes while every other poll in the Paul Pasqualoni region earned only 600.
This round he’ll have some stiff competition as Al-Rasheed Benton knocked out underdog Stefan McClure in his first matchup. One thing the name has going for it is its imbalance. With a name like Al-Rasheed, you’re expecting something extravagant for a last name. But, nope. Benton. The simplest two-syllable name you can get.
But I’m reaching here. Go get ‘em, Winnemucca.
5 Quandre Diggs vs. 4 Beau Nunn
This is almost certainly the toughest second-round matchup in the tournament. Quandre earns points for originality, as I have never heard of anyone else named Quandre and he owns the first two pages of Google for “Quandre.” Also, based on a website called SevenReflections.com—which clearly just makes up all their content—people named Quandre “have a fine mind and you like to talk.” Okay, maybe they’re onto something.
We’ve established that Beau Nunn sounds like “Bar None.” We’ve also figured out that if his name is sped up, it sounds like “Bonin’.” What else do you need?
6 Ameer Abdullah vs. 3 LeGarrette Blount
Well, this is an interesting matchup. Running backs facing off against each other before they battle in training camp for a roster spot.
Unfortunately for Abdullah, I think the results in both are going to match. LeGarrette Blount is new to the Lions family, and therefore his layered name is a warm welcome to the tourney. Ameer Abdullah, much like the player, is a name that holds plenty of potential but most of it seems untapped. So many vowel sounds, yet the name leaves you wanting more. I’m still holding out hope for Abdullah as a player, but I fear he’s gone as far as he can in this tournament.
7 Cornelius Washington vs. 2 JoJo Wicker
If JoJo Wicker doesn’t win this corner of the bracket, you’re all getting banned. I will track down all of your IP addresses and make it my life’s mission to make sure you never comment on another SB Nation article for the rest of your life. In fact, I will hack into your computer and make it so the only sites that work are YouTube videos of Ringo songs. Listen, I watch “Mr. Robot.” I know how to do these sort of things. Do. Not. Test. Me.