We’ve had a week to catch our breath, to reconsider our life choices, to reach out to our loved ones one last time before we hit the tough road. The final few rounds of the 2018 Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament lie ahead, and we won’t be the same after we’re through. I hope you have already made peace with all of your life choices prior to today, because today, we change forever.
You may think I’ve delayed this tournament because I just completed a cross-country drive back to Michigan, but you’d be wrong. It’s taken this long to mourn the loss of of Marcus Lucas in this tournament. No one understood you like I did, Marcus, but I know your true brilliance. I just hope you knew that before our readers senselessly murdered your chances to win this tournament.
Anyway, here’s a look at the Sweet 16 field:
1 Ezekiel Ansah vs. 4 Josh Fatu
New vs. Old.
How new? Josh Fatu is one of the youngest players on the roster at 22 years old and this is obviously his first Name Bracket tournament.
How old? No one knows, but Ezekiel Ansah is somewhere between the ages of 28 and 6,500.
This is a tough matchup to navigate, as Ezekiel Ansah is probably the better full name, but Josh Fatu is fresh, it’s neat and it’s compact. It’s like a brand-new air mattress. It looks so promising fresh out of the box, but you know that the minute it leaves it’s packaging it will never fit back into that thing and it’ll almost certainly be leaking air in no time.
What does this have to do with the name Josh Fatu? I’m not sure, I’m still in moving mode. Sorry.
3 Levine Toilolo vs. 10 Christian Ringo
Not only is Christian Ringo the only seed lower than a five remaining in this tournament, but he is currently the bane of my existence. I have continually slammed the name Christian Ringo—even though it sounds like Christian Mingle—because Ringo is the worst member of the Beatles. This has caused a significant amount of backlash.
I had no idea Ringo had so many supporters, but I’ve learned a lot recently about the popularity of untalented rich people.
Anyways, my mom, a huge Beatles fan, joined me on the trip to Michigan as valued company, and we listened to a lot of Beatles songs. It has only strengthened my resolve that he sucks. I promised to punish you with horrible Ringo songs until Christian Ringo is out of this tournament, so here it goes. I am not sorry.
I rather listen to Jimmy Buffett than ever hear that song again.
Also, Levine Toilolo is an awesome name.
1 Jace Billingsley vs. 5 Quandre Diggs
If we’re talking about a pure name basis, there’s no doubt in my mind that Quandre Diggs should be the victor over Jace Billingsley, but this matchup is going to come down to intangibles.
Jace Billingsley is still enjoying the Winnemucca Bump, although it has been fairly muted this year. Quandre Diggs is enjoying a solid offseason thanks to hilarious videos from DetroitLions.com. His performance in the impression game with Graham Glasgow was fantastic. Also, although it should not be considered in the thought process here, “Nino” is a solid nickname.
If y’all catch Winnemucca sleeping, I think Diggs can take this one.
3 LeGarrette Blount vs. 2 JoJo Wicker
This matchup isn’t fair. People shouldn’t be forced to make such hard decisions. Sophie doesn’t know a damn thing about tough choices.
On one side you have a name as good as LeGarrette Blount. Both names bring originality, but as an NFL veteran, he’s suffering from a little Name Fatigue.
JoJo Wicker is a name that has everything. By itself, it works. If you want to throw in some pop culture references, that’s easy, too. Do you with “JoJo was a man who thought he was a loner” or do we start calling him The Wicker Man?
I can’t decide. You must. I am sorry.
1 Miles Killebrew vs. 5 Adam Bisnowaty
Killebrew has had an easy path to the Sweet 16, dismantling Dontez Ford and Antwuan Davis along the way. As a much-deserved one seed, Killebrew has done what he has needed to do. He’s killed them by miles. See what I did there? That’s how easy it is to slide his solid name into everyday conversation.
Adam Bisnowaty is the scrappy Middle Atlantic Conference team that has battled his way into Week 3 of the tournament and is now playing with house money. Don’t get me wrong, Adam Bisnowaty is a solid, solid name, but you can’t bring an Adam to a Miles fight.
3 Leo Koloamatangi vs. 2 Darius Slay
I have a feeling the electorate may disagree, but this one doesn’t even register as close to me. Leo Koloamatangi has strength, length and depth. It’s long, but it rolls off the tongue. It’s complicated, but surprisingly simple. And Leo literally means “lion.”
Darius Slay only has Slay. And while that’s admittedly bad-ass, especially for a competitor as intense as he is, that should only take you so far in this tournament. I love you Darius, but it’s time for you to take a gracious exit.
1 Golden Tate vs. 5 Jeremiah Valoaga
Golden Tate should win. Jeremiah Valoaga is a false prophet that unfairly unseated Marcus Lucas. I will hold this petty grudge until Valoaga is vanquished.
3 Zach Zenner vs. 2 Teez Tabor
I absolutely love this matchup. Zach Zenner and Teez Tabor are such similar names.
- One syllable first name, two syllable last name
- Both artfully use the letter Z, and are two of just seven Lions players to have the letter
- Their last names basically rhyme with each other
It’s not fair for these two to face off this early. Each region should have its own Zach Zenner or Teez Tabor or Blaze Burger or Jazz Jogger.