I hope you all enjoyed the bursting lights in the air and your process grilled meat tubes, because the fun has ended. It’s time to get down to serious business. The Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament must decide the field for the Sweet 16, and that means some feelings are about to be hurt.
We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should our favorite name win the day, today will no longer be known as the day after the fourth of July, but as the day when we declared to the world in one voice:
Miles Killebrew will not go quietly into the night
Leo Koloamatangi will not vanish without a fight
Zach Zenner’s going to live on
Teez Tabor’s going to survive
Today, we celebrate our Name Bracket Day!
Here’s the updated right side of the bracket:
1 Miles Killebrew vs. 9 Dontez Ford
No one had a better first-round performance than Miles Killebrew, who pulled in nearly 96 percent of the vote over Antwuan Davis. To the 24 people who voted for Davis, thanks for visiting the site, Davis Family. We hope your relative has a good and healthy training camp.
I think Miles Killebrew is still a fresh enough name to take this thing home, and he’s come close enough where if the other top contenders fall to Name Fatigue, he can pull off an upset.
One player incapable of upsetting Killebrew is Dontez Ford, who managed a minor upset over Joe Dahl in the first round. Dontez is good enough to get him out of the first round, but this is the second round, bub, you’ve got to bring it with both names, and the pandering of Ford won’t cut it here.
5 Adam Bisnowaty vs. 4 Jeremiah Ledbetter
This is a battle between surname titans. Bisnowaty vs. Ledbetter. If this was just based on last names, Bisnowaty takes it, but he’s essentially the Houston Texans from 2014 on. Great defense, pathetic offense. “Adam” is the Tom Savage of first names.
Jeremiah, on the other hand, is an excellent first name and I am absolutely not biased in that proclamation, how dare you assert such an accusation?
11 Kenny Golladay vs. 3 Leo Koloamatangi
There was no bigger upset in the first round than Kenny Golladay over Kerryon Johnson. While I probably drastically under-seeded Golladay, I am in absolute shock that Kerryon Johnson was bounced in his very first Name Bracket tourney. Lay your weary head to rest, Mr. Johnson. Don’t you cry no more.
But Golladay is no Koloamatangi. Even Leo outruns Kenny. I just can’t get over how much fun it is to say Koloamatangi, and the fact that it isn’t actually that hard to pronounce if you actually look at the name. Far too many people are intimidated by the name, but it’s actually quite welcoming. Koloamatangi is basically Terry Crews.
7 Frank Ragnow vs. 2 Darius Slay
I love this matchup. It reminds me of Film Noir. Frank Ragnow absolutely sounds like an early 30s private investigator. While Darius Slay could absolutely be the name of a mob boss.
“You’ll never catch me, Frank Ragnow, see. I’m Darius Slay, the slipperiest criminal in town, see. Water ain’t got nothing on me.”
I honestly can’t decide which name I like more. The longer I look at Frank Ragnow, the more I like it, while Slay is definitely falling out of favor due to Name Fatigue. I’m hoping for a contentious battle here.
1 Golden Tate vs. 8 Graham Glasgow
Golden Tate is a fantastic name. If there was a Pro Football Name Hall of Fame—and please God, let me create a nationally-recognized Name HOF—Golden Tate would be a first balloter.
But it’s been four years now and I look at the name like I look at Brian Stewart. It’s not Golden’s fault, but the Name Bracket is a cruel mistress. If you miss out on your novelty window, it’s closed forever.
Graham Glasgow’s window is closing, but the double G name is good enough to carry him for another year. Plus, Glasgow is the largest city in Scotland, which means I’m always picturing Graham Glasgow in a kilt. I’m not sure if that’s a positive or a negative, to be honest.
5 Jeremiah Valoaga vs. 4 Marcus Lucas
Alright, here’s the part where I have to defend Marcus Lucas, because he barely escaped the first round, and his seeding has received the most criticism.
His name flows like good poetry. It’s a name that belongs in a Dr. Seuss book.
Marcus. Lucas. Red fish. Blue fish.
His first and last name rhyme, fergodsakes! There is no name that makes more out of two ordinary names than Marcus Lucas, and that’s absolutely heroic. When the normal everyday person does something extraordinary, that’s Marcus Lucas.
Jeremiah Valoaga is the guy peacocking in the club. Wearing two sets of sunglasses indoors and a purple feather boa. Sure, he could be Prince, but he’s most likely a phony trying to overcompensate for someone.
6 Jalen Reeves-Maybin vs. 3 Zach Zenner
Jalen Reeves-Maybin earns extra credit for sticking with Jalen, unlike that draft-dodger Teez Tabor. In fact, if both guys win this round, it will be a battle of Jalens past and present in the Sweet 16. That sort of dream matchup is the entire reason this tournament exists.
Zach Zenner, though, is still one of the most underrated names in the tournament. Though he’s certainly weakened by a case of Name Fatigue (still in its early stages), you just don’t get double Zs very often in this world. And when you get something that rare and beautiful, YOU HOLD ONTO IT. YOU CHERISH IT. YOU GOTTA CHERISH IT.
7 A’Shawn Robinson vs. 2 Teez Tabor
I may have said this before, but A’Shawn Robinson’s name is a fraud. If the name was just Shawn Robinson, it probably wouldn’t have even made the tournament. Adding “A’” is a cheap ploy. It’s like when a company tries to change its name to escape all the negative reviews. NICE TRY, “SPECTRUM CABLE.” I KNOW YOU’RE TIME WARNER AND I STILL HATE YOU. Also, completely unrelated, but I literally found out yesterday that Hellmann’s mayonnaise is called “Best Foods” on the west coast. I have no idea why, and I’m too lazy to look it up, but congratulations on learning something new today.
Teez Tabor is a ridiculous name and absolutely deserves to be in the Sweet 16, even if he did cheat his way there. But, as always, cheating is encouraged in this tournament and Teez is the face of that.