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NFL Week 3 picks against the spread, totals: A time for fiascos

The boss won’t make you money. You’re going to have to take his stuff.

Kansas City Chiefs v Pittsburgh Steelers Photo by Justin Berl/Getty Images

What a time for mayhem.

Who do you trust? Hubba hubba, money money money. In truth, precious little left is there to trust in this rotten league of miscreants and savage half-death. Take what you can get because the boss isn’t going to do you right.

Vontae Davis had it all proper. Was it professional to walk off in the middle of his job? Hell no. But don’t think for a second that such means it’s not right. No sir, in this league the boss can fire you at any point, yank you off the bus and leave you on the side of the road because some dork with a spreadsheet got randy about compensatory picks. Like every small business in a right-to-work state, the boss is a psycho here. The only right move is to give him the same courtesy back. ¡Adios, muchachos!

But we’re missing the main spin of the past week.

The Steelers are what every football team should aspire to be. Lauded for rusted glories and dysfunctional beyond belief. If your goal is win, win, do it now, then I suppose they won’t be much fun, but the circus doesn’t rely on steely determination and grit. No sir, the clowns are out and everyone’s gotta get paid. The only difference between the skinflints in Pennsylvania and the ones down in southern Ohio is a matter of forgotten hardware.

We’d be remiss if we couldn’t try to make some money. I missed last week and didn’t get the picks about due to a bad case of blues and vision quests. I don’t know what the record is, so like any good gambling scum I’ll just say I’m perfect. You can’t refute me and if you do I’ll tell you where you can send the check.

Tampa Bay +1 vs. Pittsburgh

The sooner the league puts Jameis Winston out to slum it in the XFL the better. I think with all the wildebeest energy coursing through central Florida right now it’s probably the Bucs come back down to earth, but I’ll ride the hot hand against the bu cu mal energy sticking on this Steelers team. Also, home dog.

Carolina -3 vs Cincinnati

Quietly the Bengals have become one of the best teams in the AFC for this early season. Improbable and infuriating. That said, “deserve” has nothing to do with nothing. Consider the temporary loss of Joe Mixon and the annihilation that comes for all winning streaks in this league. Fading Cincinnati is the appropriate measure.

Green Bay -3 @ Washington

Conversely, the football club with a racist moniker from Washington is quietly one of the worst teams in the league, buoyed only by feasting on a pathetic Arizona squad a while back. The Packers will get their just desserts soon—there’s only so many holes Aaron Rodgers can claw out of while jumping around on his one good leg—but Washington won’t be that.

Detroit vs. New England UNDER 52

The Patriots are going to annihilate this team. Scorch the earth, burn and salt whatever sprout Patricia could have represented. Abandon hope and get out of here. Still, this is a primetime game, which is a textbook case of ugly, suffocating football.

New York +3 @ Cleveland

These ads running for “Thursday Night Football” are an affront to God. Nobody is looking at the schedule for these games and becoming marvelously impressed. Case in point. Cleveland keeps getting achingly close to a victory and unlocking those beer cases, and hell with it, but I’ll happily fade them on a short week.

Miami -3 vs Oakland

Oakland isn’t a real place.

Los Angeles +7 @ Los Angeles

Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles.

All the rest

Kansas City -6.5 vs. San Francisco
Arizona vs. Chicago UNDER 38
Dallas +1.5 @ Seattle
Houston -6 vs. New York
Minnesota vs. Buffalo OVER 41
Baltimore vs. Denver UNDER 44
Indianapolis +6.5 @ Philadelphia
New Orleans +3 @ Atlanta

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