The essence of prop betting, especially on an event like the Super Bowl, is inherently a wonderful thing. It’s a testament to the excess of it all. The Big Game, not big enough, needs more odds and more stakes. Everything must be up for contest.
Ever since The Abstract declared “scared money don’t make none,” urging all of us to parlay as he rhymed, what’s left to do other than believe in what we believe in? And by we, I mean the two resident degenerate denizens of P-O-D: myself, Ryan Mathews, and Chris Perfett, your Adequacy.
These odds arrive courtesy of Bovada sportsbook, a super offshore gambling website who provided us with some real, honest-to-goodness doozies this year. For the first entry into a two-part series, we’re getting into everything entertainment related. Load up your wristbands and get ready to wager your credits.
Ryan: Any other year, I’m not laying money on a coin flip, but this season is the year of minted currency. After the debacle that was the Championship Round, people have had it out for coins and their role in deciding football games. Luckily, people who are missing the point, like Ross Tucker, have come to the defense of coins. Tails never fails, but heads you wet the bed. Standing up for all bed-wetters because it’s time someone does it.
Chris: I dread this one every year. It’s the cover sheet to a good set of fun bets. But in the end, it’s the foundation of our betting ways. Two sides to a coin, two different outcomes, and the house takes a little for the labor of flipping.
Actually, do you know how long it took me to learn how to flip a coin? I was an embarrassed little kid. Anyway, tails.
How long will it take Gladys Knight to sing the U.S. National Anthem?
Over 1 minute 47 seconds -160
Under 1 minute 47 seconds +120
Ryan: Gladys is a hometown product of Atlanta, Georgia and she, along with The Pips, sang a song about a midnight train heading to Georgia. Spoiler, if you listen to the song, it tells you how the game is going to end: “L.A. proved too much for the man.” Pretty sure “the man” is Tom Brady because if you’re a good, honest, hard-working person, you’re shaking your fist at a man like Brady because he’s a villain and you should join the resistance. Oh, yeah, and “L.A.” is a metaphor for Aaron Donald who is going to prove to be too much because he is too much.
But Gladys Knight & The Pips have another popular tune called “Neither One Of Us (Wants To Be The First To Say Goodbye)” and it’s a great reminder of camel-casing and how every song before 1980 required further explanation in its title. The Empress of Soul won’t be the first to bid Georgia adieu: Over.
(Also, in my best André 3000 voice: “I’m so like a pimp, I’m glad it’s night.”)
Chris: I feel personally attacked by Gladys’ lyrics right now and I can’t really tell you why. Over.
What will the Super Bowl champions be served when they visit the White House?
Fast Food +205
Any Other Food -310
Ryan: No chance Trump serves the professionals such plebeian fare, especially not his good pals Robert, Bill, and Tom. Only the best, finest food for his special guests... which to him means Wendy’s. Crap.
Man, really wish there were odds to lay on “Melania Makes a Salad” and parlay it with “No One Touches It” for enough winnings to eat like an entire team of exploited workers for a year. Anyways, “any other food” gets the square.
Chris: Any other food, but this also presumes that the winner is even going to have an invite, especially if the Rams win. Now if the Pats win, you can be sure they’ll break out the foie gras for Donnie’s favorite sports team.
While Ryan wishes for his own options, I wish I could put money on “no trip.” Trump’s hatred of the NFL is a peculiar beast, an envious fay creature which seems to detest the notion of strong men and deep thought. It’s married now with his brand of forever-pettiness, a product of his failed USFL court case.
He will absolutely make an exception for his “good and nice!” friend Bob Kraft and Tom Brady, but the Rams are going to be told to go back and hang out with MS-13 or whatever is in his rotten brain.
Will Billy McFarland be caught selling counterfeit tickets to the Super Bowl?
Ryan: Chris and I shared a hotel room in Philadelphia for the 2017 NFL Draft and in between all of the actual football Journo and cheesesteaks, Chris was glued to Twitter for all things Fyre Fest, feeding us live updates and laughing hysterically at FEMA tents and cheese sandwiches.
Part of me wants to put five on “Yes” because if those docs convinced me of anything, other than Ja Rule doesn’t know what fraud is, it’s that Billy is a sociopath and there’s no way prison can contain that man’s thirst for other people’s money. I’m moving all of my shells to “No,” though.
Chris: I tried to tell everyone this would be big, but people shrug off my taste for weird Twitter moments. It had everything you’d want from a scenario of “ultra-rich yuppies stranded on nigh-abandoned island” save a severed pig’s head.
I don’t think, however, I could have expected two years later to have dueling documentaries and a vastly renewed interest. I also was not prepared to write this sentence: Ja Rule is following the money trail and trying to tell people not to trust Fuck Jerry.
But anyway, what kind of bet is this? No. Bookies having laughs is suspect.
Will Maroon 5 play Sweet Victory at halftime as a SpongeBob SquarePants tribute?
Ryan: Am I old, because I don’t think I know what “Sweet Victory” is...
Okay, I watched it, and I know what it is, but not because I know it as a SpongeBob moment, but because it’s been meme’d a bajillion times which is like 95 percent of that show’s space in 2019. Interesting to see the “No” get such money-making potential considering halftime is so self-serving and rarely ever hokey, so that’s where I’m going.
Chris: On general rule of principle, I missed being the target age of SpongeBob by a solid three years. It remains Nickelodeon noise, undifferentiated from something like Ren & Stimpy; I hear the voices from the show and I just think about boogers.
Anyway, background on this is standard internet-nerds-up-their-own-ass fare. Someone started a petition, it got some play on internet circles. While it would be a cool moment for a dead creator’s legacy, we’re diced up by ridiculous copyrights and trademarks to make it likely. No.
How many plays will Tony Romo correctly predict ahead of the play?
Over 7.5 -120
Under 7.5 -120
Ryan: First of all, everyone needs to agree that Tony Romo is good for the CBS booth, and he’s good for one very simple reason: he ain’t Phil Simms. As a reminder of what the former No. 1 color guy for CBS brought to the table week in and week out, here’s a sampling of how truly bad he was during 2017’s AFC Divisional Round game between New England and Houston.
Do I think the way Romo calls a game make what he does feel like parlor tricks? In a way, yeah, but something super interesting is actually happening. Sure, he’s this clairvoyant wizard calling the action before it happens, but he’s also demystifying football; he’s simultaneously the soothsayer and the skeptic in the audience pointing out the false-wall in the box or the sleight of hand.
It wouldn’t be the Super Bowl if he wasn’t bringing his crystal ball: “Over.”
Chris: The answer is Under.
OK WHO’S READY FOR SOME GAME THEORY?
Tony Romo has made 72 play predictions this season, per the Wall Street Journal. 68 percent of the time, he was correct. That’s about 49 plays, which, divided over 16 games comes out to only about three correct plays predicted per game. Now it’s possible he’ll ham it up for the Super Bowl, but the numbers say he’s still set to fall short of the requisite eight to get you the over.
By the way, 68 percent is better than Romo’s completion percentage when he was in the league.