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2019 NFL Playoffs: Recapping a crazy Wild Card weekend

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I cut the brakes! Wildcard baby, yee-haw!

Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

That’s a wrap—another Wildcard Weekend is in the books.

Happy Monday, folks. Per usual, the weekend was sans Lions football but that’s fine I’m not great with change. You probably watched so I won’t recap too much, I just wanted to talk about football before it’s gone.

We start with with Indianapolis Colts dominating the Houston Texans on Saturday afternoon, 21-7. Both teams overcame losing records to start off the season, Texans at 0-3 and Colts at 1-5. That’s a typically comforting concept for hopeful Lions fans.

The Colts came out strong Saturday, leading 21-0 in the first half and were able to hold onto that lead through the second. Touchdowns from Marlon Mack, Dontrelle Inman and some dude named Eric Ebron I guess, idk. Meanwhile Deshaun Watson had a disappointing playoff debut, and the Texans offense was unable to find the end zone until about 11 minutes left in the game.

The red-hot Colts will take on the top-seeded Kansas City Chiefs at 4:35 p.m. Saturday.

Moving on to the Dallas Cowboys against the Seattle Seahawks. The Cowboys walked away with the win, Jason Garrett clinching his second playoff win in eight seasons as head coach. But it was an ugly game.

First of all, receiver Allen Hurns suffered a gut-wrenching injury in the first quarter that almost made me lose my Applebees. Almost, the spin-dip stayed down. Hurns was tackled by Seahawks safety Bradley McDougald, but as he struggled to stay on his feet, McDougald landed right on Hurns’ leg, twisting it in the most horrifying fashion.

It was the type of injury that makes you scream “OHHHHH” at your TV, the type I’m not going to embed here but if you haven’t seen it, you’re going to go search for it on Twitter anyway because you’re SICK. Hurns broke his ankle and he’s out for the rest of the season, obviously, but says he expects to be back by the beginning of next season.

Run, run, pass. Run, run, run. Run, run, run, pass. The Seahawks were hellbent on running the ball, despite not achieving any real success with the old school strategy. That forced Russell Wilson to spend the fourth quarter using his talents to drop absolute bombs like this beauty to Doug Baldwin:

Then there was the crazy kicking situation—Sebastian Janikowski suffered a hamstring injury on a missed 57-yard field goal just before halftime. Instead of trusting rookie punter Michael Dickson to kick, the Seahawks went for two on the following two touchdowns. Both attempts were successful, but then the Seahawks decided to use Dickson for something a bit less successful—this, uh, beautiful “onside kick.”

Dickson botched a rare drop kick, plopping the ball right into Cowboys receiver Cole Beasley’s hands. Game over. The Cowboys beat the Seahawks 24-22.

The Cowboys will play the Los Angeles Rams on Saturday at 8:15 p.m. ET.

Sunday

That brings us to the Sunday afternoon game, the Los Angeles Charges against Baltimore Ravens in which Philip Rivers played his gosh darn h*cking hiney off, pardon my language. Speaking of PG-13 language:

*clutches pearls* My heavens, my stars. If you need me, I’ll be cutting my hair and demanding to speak to Romo’s manager.

On the other hand, Lamar Jackson did not have such a great game. The Ravens had a rough start—three fumbles in eight plays--and things didn’t get any better. In fact, they were so bad, that they’d wracked up an astonishing -2 passing yards.

The officiating was real strange, making controversial calls on back-to-back plays, denying touchdowns left and right. It was almost as if the refs were unable to see...

SEE WHAT I DID? TIMELY! I WATCH TV!

There was hope for an exciting finish but with just 45 seconds left, the ball was stripped from Jackson’s hand. Chargers win, 23-17, and move on to face the New England Patriots at 1:05 p.m. Sunday.

And finally, Philadelphia Eagles against the Chicago Bears. All that praying before their Nick Foles shrines paid off and Philly’s hope of back-to-back Super Bowl wins stays alive.

I don’t have much to say about the game until of course, the last minute, when the Eagles are trailing by five, and Foles flings a pass into the end zone..............

AND TO WHOM? GOLDEN TATE NO LESS klsjdkfljskljaskdjlasjlkajsd.

Nah but for real, good for him. He deserves that feeling for all he did in Detroit.

Then, the big talker of the weekend, you have Cody Parkey’s worst nightmare come true—a missed field goal to lose the game. Not only that, but a dreaded double-doink heard ‘round the world when the ball hit post and the crossbar. We later learned Eagles DT Treyvon Hester got a piece of it, and who knows how that would’ve affected it really, but take a look:

Twitter reactions were just brutal, the poor guy. You generally have two schools of thought—it’s either the game shouldn’t be so close that a kicker makes all the difference, or he’s paid millions so he needs to do his job, no sympathy. Whichever school you belong to, or if it’s somewhere in the middle like myself, I think we can all agree Parkey’s response was gold when asked how he plans to carry on: “Continue to just put my best foot forward.”

Ha. Foot. Forward. Ha.

The Eagles move on to face the New Orleans Saints on Sunday at 4:40 p.m.

Not a bad Wildcard Weekend. Cheers.