Welcome, ghouls and goblins. It’s the occasion you all come to the internet for each and every day: arguing! And much to your human experience, it’s something we all have an ardent opinion about: food!
In the true hybrid spirit of both football website and holiday, we’re celebrating Halloween with a candy mock draft. Who will reach? Which candy bar will slide too far and end up being a king-sized value? Where will candy corn go? All that and more below... if you dare!
Note: We shamelessly stole this idea from the Mothership at SB Nation. They did a great job—except for Fooch—so we wanted in on the fun.
Also Note: If something is purchasable in either single retail form (e.g. checkout counter racks) or as bagged variety (e.g. fun size), it is a legitimate pick. Therefore, each individual variety of M&Ms (e.g. Pretzel M&Ms) or Snickers (e.g. Almond Snickers) is a distinct candy that may be selected.
Pride of Detroit’s Halloween Candy Mock Draft
Pick 1: Snickers - Jeremy Reisman
Hello, it’s me, Jeremy from 2009. I pick the Aaron Curry of the draft. Snickers. It’s the safest pick. No flash. No flair. No way anything goes wrong here. Snickers is the perfect candy bar, and everyone else is just trying to be like it with their “peanut” iterations of their own failing candy. It’s got texture. It’s got layers of flavor. If you ever accidentally find yourself inhabited by the spirit of Danny Trejo—and you don’t want to be—it’s got you covered there, too.
Andrew: Notice what team’s jersey Jeremy is wearing in this magnificent picture.
Pick 2: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups - Andrew Kato
Although like Damon Harrison Sr., I am also a chocolate and peanut butter guy, I do not like the way that Butterfinger shards stick in your teeth as you chew it. Combine that with the delightful low-oil peanut paste filling mouthfeel and we have a winner. The higher filling-to-chocolate-coating ratio of the novelty holiday shapes like peanut butter pumpkins or christmas trees is even better, but the classic peanut butter cup is where it all starts.
Jeremy: “Low-oil peanut paste filling.” They should put that on the wrapper.
Kyle: Always have to be a little worried though when people start busting out these newfangled metrics on draft day.
Pick 3: Kit Kat - Ryan Mathews
An absolute no-brainer here with the third overall pick in this candy draft. A crispy wafer covered in milk chocolate is how you build a franchise. This is a foundational selection. We’ve seen selections like this before: 1989 when the Lions drafted Barry Sanders third overall. 2007 when Joe Thomas was picked third by Cleveland. The Kit Kat is always appreciated, celebrated, and heralded as a top candy when it’s brought up, but like Sanders and Thomas, it’s often the forgotten milk chocolate candy. Don’t sleep on the brilliance of its simplicity.
Andrew: This was almost pick 2.
Jeremy: Can’t hate on the pick, but I don’t sleep on the white chocolate version. I prefer it to the standard, and I’m not usually a white chocolate guy.
Ryan: Jeremy preferring the white chocolate Kit Kats to the original is maybe the most Jeremy thing I’ve ever heard.
Jeremy: Thank you.
Pick 4: Airheads Xtremes - Hamza Baccouche
It’s me, your general manager. Let me tell you about Airheads Xtremes: the Terry McLaurin of candy. They didn’t get as much attention in college as they should’ve—bigger name wide receivers, the original Airheads, took up the spotlight. That’s not to say they’re not capable, however. As we’ve gotten to know Airheads Xtremes this past week at the Señor Bowl we’ve seen their work ethic and commitment to the betterment of their team, most recently sacrificing their length—better than any other
receiver candy in the draft—to boost their team’s sales by suiting up as Airheads Xtremes Mini. Great team player who’s clearly willing to adapt to our scheme and we’re excited to have them as a part of our organization.
Jeremy: This feels like the Daniel Jones pick of the draft. Hamza, you fell into the trap of falling too much in love with a candy that wasn’t on many people’s radar this early. You could’ve taken this in the third and gotten much better value.
Hamza: It could be worse, at least I didn’t pull a Roberto Aguayo and draft Swedish Fish.
Andrew: I thought you were going to say Trubisky.
Pick 5: Swedish Fish - Kyle Yost
Sometimes I get criticized on this site and the PODcast regarding my food takes, but fortune favors the bold. Halloween as a kid is about dumping your pillowcase on the floor as soon as you get home and rifling through the mountain of candy to snag something that catches your eye. Swedish Fish are the perfect embodiment of that idea, a special treat with an addicting nature. Like any draft pick, you want something that is not just a flash in the pan, and even as an adult, it’s just hard to put down a bag of Swedish Fish.
Ryan: Swedish Fish being the second fruity candy off the board is truly shocking, but I don’t hate the pick. I just can’t believe Airheads were picked ahead of literally any other fruity candy.
Pick 6: Milk Chocolate M&Ms - Kyle Yost
Like any fantasy veteran, I know the mantra of drafting on the turn: safe and upside. Hate on traditional M&Ms all you want, but they’re one of the few candies that can stand the test of time. No matter the time or place, M&Ms are always a great treat, and their abundance makes them a reliable stable of the American life. They’re simple and straightforward, but a classic for a reason. Don’t overthink it here – grab a solid piece to build around.
Jeremy: For someone who is claiming to be bold, you just picked some seriously boring-ass, one-note candy. If I were to make a draft simply of M&Ms, milk chocolate would’ve gone in the fifth round, at best.
Ryan: I’m going to defend Kyle’s selections and I never would have thought that would be the case going into this draft. Going gummy first and then following it up with a milk chocolate selection is keeping it varied and diverse. I like the way Yost’s bag is coming together.
Pick 7: Butterfinger - Hamza Baccouche
Ah yes, good ole controversial butterfinger. I get it. This guy has as much off-the-field baggage as any other player with all the crumbs and greasiness that come about when you eat it. But boy, when he’s hitting the end zone of your taste buds it just makes it all worth it. Any and all butterfinger slander JEREMY will be considered conduct detrimental to the team, please respect the front office’s choices.
Jeremy: This is a great pick. Not because Butterfingers are good—they most certainly are not—but because Ryan was 100 percent going to pick them next.
Pick 8: Take 5 - Ryan Mathews
I’m still reeling from Hamza taking Butterfingers right out from underneath me. He didn’t do it because he wanted them as a part of his team, he did it to spite me. There was malicious intent.
We’re taking the Take 5 candy bar with our second selection in the draft. More milk chocolate goodness, but let’s get that sweet and salty profile. Pretzels inside the milk chocolate. Peanut butter inside the milk chocolate. Peanuts to add a dense crunch, and yes, that too is inside the milk chocolate. Five ingredients all in perfect harmony. All serving a purpose greater than each individual ingredient can accomplish on its own.
Jeremy: Hamza did you a favor. Best pick in the draft so far.
Hamza: Seconded. This is a very good alternative.
Ryan: And yet I’m still here, still trying to trade next year’s first round pick for that crispety, crunchety, peanut buttery goodness.
Pick 9: Whatchamacallit - Andrew Kato
Continuing the run on versatility, the next bar to come off the board also checks many boxes at once. It has caramel, it has a crisp aspect, and it has chocolate. Like Ryan’s pick with the hybrid appeal, the crisps are not simply straight crisped rice here, but are peanut flavored and therefore fit the peanut-oriented system we are running.
Jeremy: You bastard. You knew I wanted this from my Twitter rantings on Wednesday.
Kyle: Great reference from The Office (U.S.), which would be the 1.01 pick in a TV Show draft
Jeremy: He can’t be saved, Ryan. And you defended him.
Pick 10: Sour Patch Watermelon - Jeremy Reisman
Needed some sour to go with my savory Snickers first-round pick. Why aren’t there more watermelon-flavored candies? They’re all amazing. They’re the best of both Sour Patch Kids and Jolly Ranchers. I don’t know what flavor the pink Starburst is, but I’m just going to say they’re watermelon, too.
Andrew: I had never heard of this, but it is for real and apparently beloved by many.
Pick 11: Caramel Apple Pops - Jeremy Reisman
The Detroit Lions media room has been blessed with these over the past few weeks, and they’ve brought me back to fond middle school memories. I am normally not huge on suckers, but salty and sour in one delicious treat. It’s one of the few nostalgic things in my life that still stands up to time. Sorry, “Goonies.”
Kyle: And I’m boring.
Ryan: There’s plenty of room for both of you to be boring.
Pick 12: Albanese 12 Flavor Gummi Bears - Andrew Kato
About two years ago, Ryan Mathews introduced me to gummi bears made by an Indiana company that I did not know about. It is undoubtedly the best gummi bears made by any company due to the strong and consistent flavors across the entire spectrum: there are no weak flavors in the bag. Now that Albanese has national market penetration, their product can be bought in Washington DC as well as Hawaii, where I have found it on the shelf in Japanese market Don Quixote of all places.
Ryan: So this is what it’s like to be Dr. Frankenstein. Undone by my own creation.
Hamza: You’ve lost your damn mind Kato. @Jeremy if I can’t choose all flavors of M&Ms in one pick, Kato should be limited to only one flavor of gummy bear. This is tyranny.
Andrew: I didn’t make the product, that’s what they actually call it and package it as.
Jeremy: If you can find me a package of M&Ms that has all of the varieties inside, then you can pick ALL M&Ms. Actually, this is a brilliant idea. Mars, call me.
Andrew: 10/10, would buy.
Pick 13: Haribo Sour Gold-Bears - Ryan Mathews
Is this a reactionary pick because Kato just went gummy bear? Probably, but I had to take the next best bear available. The beautiful thing about the Haribo brand is it’s firm texture, but distinct flavor. Whereas Sour Patch Kids run roughshod on your tongue, the sour sugar added to these bears is far less grating on your palette.
Pick 14: Twizzlers - Hamza Baccouche
These are a solid, above average starter for our team with great character, reliability, and no baggage whatsoever. Everybody loves them; they’re the kind of player that other GMs are asking to sign with their team before they even hit free agency. Shocked to find them this late in the draft, but after a risky pick with Butterfinger it’s a nice, secure choice to round out our class.
Ryan: Dude, are you 20-something going on 40?
Hamza: Yes, me and Ziggy Ansah both.
Kyle: Twists >> Pull ‘n’ Peel all dayyyyyy
Pick 15: Wild Berry Skittles - Kyle Yost
I’m picking up the phone and making Krackel the highest-paid UDFA possible as soon as this draft ends, but you cannot beat the purple bag of Skittles. I consider myself a picky flavor eater—which is why I probably prefer something straightforward and consistent like Swedish Fish—but this is one of the strongest fruit candy mixes out there. Literally no bad flavors and a unique combination of tastes in every handful. This is far from Mr. Irrelevant.
Hamza: Wow, solid pick. Out scouts definitely overlooked the various skittle variations but we’re going to give Tropical Skittles a phat UDFA contract as soon as this is over.
Jeremy: Much like you were to swap the rounds of the Jahlani Tavai and Amani Oruwariye picks, your draft would’ve looked much better in reverse order. Solid choice.
Andrew: First UDFA calls here going out to Twix, Peanut M&Ms, and 100 Grand. Shoring up the versatility and peanut-system all day, every day.
Jeremy: Since this was contentious, I just want to say that I’m proud of everyone for not picking 3 Musketeers.
- Sour Patch Watermelon
- Caramel Apple Pops
- Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
- Gummi Bears (Albanese 12 flavor)
- Kit Kat
- Take 5
- Haribo Sour Gold-Bears
- Airhead Xtremes
- Swedish Fish
- Milk Chocolate M&Ms
- Wild Berry Skittles
Who wins the fantasy draft?
This poll is closed
Jeremy (Snickers, Sour Patch Watermelon, Caramel Apple Pops)
Andrew (Reese’s cups, Whatchamacallit, Gummi Bears)
Ryan (Kit Kat, Take 5, Sour Bears)
Hamza (Airhead Xtremes, Butterfinger, Twizzlers)
Kyle (Swedish Fish, Plain M&Ms, Wild Berry Skittles)