Would ya look at that: Chris and I are neck and neck. Wipe away the past nine weeks of picks because we’re even, folks! Granted it took a 1-7 week from Perfett to help me back into the race, but I, the tortoise, am moving at a hare’s pace.
Seriously, what an absolute exercise in futility this has been. Truly a poor showing so far, but there’s reason for hope. Scared money don’t make none, and with spooky season firmly behind us, no ghosts or ghouls to frighten us off the lines. Wake me up inside.
Chris’s Record: 33-33-1 (1-7 last week)
Ryan’s Record: 27-27-1 (4-3-1 last week)
Seattle at San Francisco -6.5
Chris: I have no excuse for what happened. Last week confounded me and every time I pick a game where Ryan and I go head to head, it seems to end in disaster. I really should forfeit these picks and move on down to taking unders, because I can cash in on those usually.
Whatever. I’m excited for this game, genuinely. I’ve come to embrace olive oil smoozy Jimmy Garoppolo and his relentless attempts to charm Erin Andrews. I’ve come to embrace the 49ers defense. They are the cream of the crop, rising to the top of the NFC, sure to eventually disappoint us against the Patriots.
That’s all exactly why I’m taking the Seahawks, because I need to fade the public to get back on track. I am desperate. Seattle +6.5.
Ryan: When you zig, I’m supposed to zag, but I’m not completely sold on the Niners. Which of their victories are they hanging their hat on exactly? A 20-7 win over the Los Angeles Rams is really their only marquee victory, but that’s it. They’ve buried a bunch of bad football teams: Cincinnati, Cleveland, Washington, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh, Carolina, and Arizona. But they can only do with what’s been put in front of them, so credit where credit’s due for a team that’s undefeated through eight games.
~*~HOT TAKE OF THE WEEK~*~
The Seahawks are going to win the NFC West, and this is going to be the turning point for both of these teams. The Niners will still claim a wild card spot in the end, but this will be the season embodiment of 28-3. Seattle +6.5
Kansas City -3.5 at Tennessee
Ryan: Whether or not Patrick Mahomes is suiting up this week for the Chiefs, it doesn’t seem to matter. Granted they’re away from home in this one, but didn’t anyone watch this team beat one of the top teams in the NFL last week with Matt Moore under center? If Mahomes is back—and I think he will be because how does one abandon hope in Superman?—this line shifts, what, another two points at least?
Choosing the Chiefs here is more revealing about my belief in Andy Reid’s team than it is an indictment of who the hell the Titans are. Seriously, who is that team? Defensively they’re pretty stout, ranking 12th in defensive DVOA. Their offense, outside of Derrick Henry, is having an identity crisis. Ryan Tannehill took over after six games too many of Marcus Mariota and the team is starting to air it out. Tannehill is 2-1 so far with wins over the
London Los Angeles Chargers and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but that don’t impress me much. Kansas City -3.5
Chris: I am ready to stake out my claim that Patrick Mahomes is a system quarterback, and my proof is how he can be so readily replaced by Andy Reid. I am looking for a five-year deal with a major sports network for television appearances and a fashionable suit so I can scream this opinion at someone’s head. Kansas City -3.5
Buffalo at Cleveland -3
Chris: We keep coming back to the well on Cleveland, and I’ve been burned more than few times. However, this time I feel a little more steady. I know now Cleveland can still spasm and win a game somewhere around here, which is probably why they remain a home favorite by just the field advantage.
I know that the Bills are stout, keep games close and for many other teams, three points isn’t much to work with; that doesn’t apply to Buffalo. The Bills just match up well against the Browns, and I expect their pass defense will make nightmares for Baker Mayfield.
More importantly though, Ryan despises the Bills. He absolutely hates that they’re going to be in the playoffs. He hates this game. He hates it all. I will punish him with this. I will mix business with grim pleasure. Buffalo +3
Ryan: I hate you. Cleveland -3
New York Giants -2.5 at New York Jets
Ryan: Battle for New York!
There is no escape, Chris.
Chris: Call me Snake.
With this game inside of a field goal, I feel good about taking the Giants. I really shouldn’t, but I’ll do it and you can’t stop me. I don’t need Evan Engram, just give the ball to Barkley and let Darnold cast himself into oblivion. Giants -2.5
Ryan: I don’t feel good about taking any of these teams in a bet. They’re both terrible, awful, no-good football teams. I think the Jets have more talent on their roster, so I’m begrudgingly—BEGRUDGINGLY, I SAY—taking the Jets. Jet Life. Spitta. Jets +2.5
Seattle at San Francisco OVER 46.5
Carolina +5 at Green Bay
Oakland +1.5 vs. LA Chargers
Atlanta at New Orleans OVER 51.5
Baltimore -10 at Cincinnati
LA Rams -3.5 at Pittsburgh
Will the Dolphins beat the spread?
Current line: Miami at Indianapolis -10
Dolphins record ATS: 5-3
Chris: You know, this portion of the bets really isn’t as much fun anymore now that the Dolphins have won a game.
Again, the Dolphins cover last week. It’s all very fishy between the great states of Florida and Nevada, where everything is usually above the board. Uh, let’s make this analogy full circle, both states send a lot of their drugs to Indiana. There. I think that works.
Should we even keep picking these games? I don’t really have a reason to watch this crappy team now that they picked up a win. Indianapolis -10
Ryan: “Uh, let’s make this analogy full circle, both states send a lot of their drugs to Indiana. There. I think that works.”
Yeah, I need not say any more. Indianapolis -10