2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Audible Dong region

The Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament kicks off with the Audible Dong Region—a reference to the 2018 season of goal posts doinks. This region features the 2018 Name Bracket Champion, Quandre Diggs, who admittedly has a pretty good name, but I suspect it’s his good personality that got him the crown. Well, that and an extreme amount of ballot hacking.

Here’s a look at the full region.

Onto the matchups.

1. Quandre Diggs vs. 16. Jarrad Davis

We kick it off with two good, but—in my opinion—underwhelming names. Quandre is unique enough, but entering his fourth year into the league, it no longer packs the punch it used to. To a Lions fan, the name Quandre is essentially Mike or Joe at this point. Diggs is cool, too, but stupid Stefon Diggs is trying to steal his thunder. All I’m saying is that there’s a reason people call him “Nino.”

As for Jarrad Davis, I respect the untraditional spelling of Jarrad. Specifically, I love the way it trips up announcers who are calling Lions games for the first time. “Coming up with the big hit there is (awkward pause) Jah-rahd Davis.” There’s something beautiful about making a simple name more complicated with just a minor tweak in spelling. It’s a minor troll job in a name, and I’m here for it.

8. Kenny Wiggins vs. 9. Joe Dahl

This is just unfair. This is a matchup that should be happening in—at the very least—the Sweet 16.

Kenny Wiggins and Joe Dahl may be fighting for a spot on the starting offensive line next month, but they go toe-to-toe in the Name Bracket first. The offensive line may be as tight as ever, but this round may tear at the fabric of this bond. This could get ugly.

Let’s start with Kenny. Kenneth was my father’s name, and I can’t ever imagine calling a grown man Kenny because of it. It’s silly, it’s playful. It’s cute. Which is why it makes such a good complement to the last name “Wiggins,” which is just as silly. The Wiggins sound like a budget children’s band. Kenny Wiggins is a drastically underrated name, and I have only myself to blame.

Joe Dahl is an all-business name. It gets in. It gets out. It knows you don’t want to waste syllables on something as inconsequential as a name. Just same my name and get the hell out of here. Because it’s so short, I image Joe Dahl walking around talking in third-person, a la the “Saturday Night Live” impression of Bob Dole.

“Joe Dahl wants to play center.” “Joe Dahl will play guard if you want Joe Dahl to play guard.” “Joe Dahl did a ‘Good Job, Joe Dahl’.”

5. Micah St. Andrew vs. 12. Marcus Cooper

Don’t feel bad if you had to look up who Micah St. Andrew is. We all did. He was one of the many undrafted free agent signings back in May, and not, as you may think, the name of a golf course and/or church.

He takes on Marcus Cooper. You may wonder why Marcus Cooper got such a high seeding, and all can be explained by my obsession over the name “Marcus Lucas” last year. It’s not quite as good as ML, but the balance and iambic pentameter of Marcus Cooper makes it a fine name. Certainly better than the sum of its parts. It almost feels like it’s a palindrome, but it obviously isn’t.

4. Zach Zenner vs. 13. Tom Savage

Looking through Pro-Football-Reference, there doesn’t appear to be a single player in the league’s history with both first and last names starting with Z — until now. Zach Zenner holds that distinction, which cannot be overlooked, even as he enters his fourth Name Bracket Tournament.

I’ve seen some rumbling of people upset with Tom Savage’s seeding. To which, I say, meh. Tom is a boring name, and the title of a scam when it comes to shoe-related charity. That being said, he definitely got the nod over fellow backup quarterback David Fales. If you thought I was going to include a guy named “Fales” in a Lions tournament, you probably want Detroit to sign that kicker named Blewitt, too.

Savage is a great last name, but without a first name to work with it, it just falls flat.

6. Garret Dooley vs. 11. Kenny Golladay

I love the name Garret Dooley. If that doesn’t conjure up images of a person in thick-rimmed glasses and suspenders, I don’t know what does. Perhaps it’s the influence of the definitely-doesn’t-hold-up-to-the-times “Scary Movie” character Officer Doofy or the “Comedy Bang Bang” character Officer Ned Dooley, but it’s such a sweet, dweeby name.

Yet another Kenny enters the mix, but instead of going silly with the last name, KG brings the puns. Go-all-day. Golladay Inn. BUT NOT BABYTRON. YOU HEAR ME? WE ARE NOT CALLING HIM BABYTRON, AND IF YOU DO, I WILL BAN YOU FROM EVERY SB NATION SITE.

3. Jesse James vs. 14. Tyrell Crosby

We have a strange relationship with Wild West outlaws of the past. It’s a weird mix of fascination, disgust and idolization. Of course, these were murderous, horrible people, but there’s something admittedly enthralling about their lifestyle. Today, we are covered in anxiety hoping we don’t say the wrong thing during an innocent conversation, but these guys didn’t even bat an eye pointing the barrel of a gun at any person in between them and a sack of money.

Anyways, Jesse James was never actually the Robin Hood figure that many made him out to be, but we still like(?) him all the same. Now there’s a guy who will hopefully catch a bunch of passes from Matthew Stafford with the same name. Neat.

A few years ago, the name “Crosby” would be met with disgust in the city of Detroit, but Tyrell Crosby has managed to remove the stigma of that name in just a year. I want more than anything in this world for his name to be Tyrone Crosby, both because I want to be able to call Tyrone, and because Tyrone Biggums is a classic TV character. But Tyrell is pretty close, and it’s pretty close to some “Game of Thrones” name too, right? That’s got to count for something.

7. Da’Shawn Hand vs. 10. Jermaine Kearse

Apostrophe’d names are becoming more and more common and less and less exciting, but Da’Shawn Hand keeps it fresh with a simple, yet distinctive last name. It opens up any Lions conversation to be a showcase for your best/worst dad jokes. I know you’ve turned to a friend and said, “You know, I’ve got to Hand it to the Lions...” before. Just admit it. This is a safe place.

I know I’ve thought about turning to the fellow Lions beat and saying, “You know, I think I’m going to talk to the Hand today,” but I’m still living in daily fear that they’ll pull our credentials, and this would be an offense worthy of said pulling.

Jermaine Kearse snuck into the tournament at the last minute and could potentially pull off a first-round upset. Jermaine conjures up Flight of the Conchords’ Jemaine Clement and his musical debate with Bret McKenzie over the name “Brah-bara.” The last name is unique enough and it rhymes with hearse. Kearse could put Hand in a hearse.

2. Leo Koloamatangi vs. 15. Steve Longa

I’m not going to lie, I love Polynesian names. They love their vowels and they know how to use them. Leo Koloamatangi is a name that looks daunting and uninviting on the surface, but once you actually get to know the name and how to say it (coh-low-ah-muh-tawn-gee), it’s beautiful. It’s also a bit of dry humor to have a first name as simple as Leo. Also: Leo = Lion. It’s perfect (editor’s note: It’s short for Mafileo, but we’ll let that slide).

Steve Longa barely made the tournament, and the only reason he’s here is because his name has the word long in it, which is odd, but not particularly interesting.