2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 2

The tournament is underway, and y’all are already screwing it up. It looks like the only Z.Z. in NFL history is going to lose to Dan or Mike or Bob whatever his boring name is Savage. That poll has more than double the votes of every other matchup, so I suspect something is afoot, but I’m going to let it slide. Everybody gets one.

Let’s move onto the “I Bless the Names” Region, which was so beautifully named by our own John Whiticar.

1. Miles Killebrew vs. 16. Charles Washington

If we’re being completely honest, Miles Killebrew should have been the 2016 Name Bracket Champion. Unfortunately for him, he ran into the entire town of Winnemucca, Nevada, and Jace Billingsley bested him in the most competitive Name Bracket Championship in the history of the tournament.

It’s a solid name, and because this could very well be his last year in the tournament, I would really like for him to win this year. Like giving a courtesy Oscar to a recently-retired classic actor who has never won one, this deserves to be Killebrew’s year.

He’s facing off against Charles Washington, which is a name better served for a 1800s American president than a football player. At least snazzy it up by calling yourself Chuck or something.

8. Malik Carney vs. 9. Devon Kennard

It’s hard for my brain to accept another NFL player named Carney, because Saints kicker John Carney was always my favorite non-Jason Hanson kicker to play back when Madden was a game worth buying.

Malik is a name that... well, let’s just say that if you’ve seen the movie Zoolander, you probably have already thought of a very inappropriate pun for his last name. Grow up, bully. This is the Name Bracket Tournament, not a Cyber Bullying forum.

I like the name Devon Kennard, I just wish it had something more. Both the first name and last name are fairly unique, but they just don’t play well together. Devon is toothpaste, Kennard is orange juice. Both are tasty on their own*, but mix them together and you want to cut off your tongue.

*I don’t eat toothpaste, in case you are wondering. I’m just saying the minty flavor is pleasurable on the palate. I’M NOT A FREAK. YOU ARE.

5. Isaac Nauta vs. 12. Jonathan Wynn

Alright, let’s just get it out of the way now.

If Isaac Nauta doesn’t make the team, you are a bad person for commenting or tweeting or myspacing “Nauta... Nauta... Nauta gonna work here anymore.” Are we clear? I SAID, ARE. WE. CLEAR? I need verbal confirmation. Please tell Siri that we’re clear.

Okay, thank you.

Moving on, Jonathan “All I Do Is” Wynn is a fine name for a 12-seed, but for as much pun potential as Wynn has, it’s actually a fairly common last name these days. Wynn is a bit outplayed and you’re going to have to do better than Jonathan to make it deep into this tournament.

4. Andre Chachere vs. 13. Austin Bryant

I’ll go ahead and say it: I don’t think there’s a last name I like better than Chachere. You know how they say if you do a crossword puzzle every day, you keep the brain active and fight against things like Alzheimer’s? I’m convinced if you try to pronounce the last name Chachere every morning, you’ll eventually become the Jeopardy champion.

Well, SPOILER ALERT, you were probably wrong in how you thought it was pronounced.

It’s pronounced “sha-sur-ray.”

Not only is that amazing, but IT ALSO MEANS HIS NAME RHYMES. ON-DRAY SHA-SUR-RAY. This is my sleeper pick to win it all.

I have no idea why I gave Austin Bryant a 13 seed. He probably doesn’t even belong in this tournament. But he snuck into the tournament based on name recognition. He’s Notre Dame when it comes to preseason AP football rankings.

6. Dee Virgin vs. 11. Taylor Decker

There is no one I feel worse for than Dee Virgin in this tournament. The dude probably got bullied incessantly in high school, but he’s an NFL player now, so screw you The Bully from Nick Arcade, which is how I still imagine all high school jerks.

Virgin already has a tremendous swell of support from Lions fans:

I hope these are people who feel just as bad as about his childhood and not Nick Arcade Bullies waiting in the wings. Time will tell.

I love an offensive line with the word “Deck” right in their name, and as an overall name, Taylor Decker works well. I just don’t think he’s any competition for Dee Virgin.

3. Theo Riddick vs. 14. Jonathan Duhart

Time has really taken its toll on the name Theo Riddick. Much like the player himself, fans have turned on it. The movie “The Chronicles of Riddick” is now 15 years old, and if a friend tries to make a “Riddickulous” pun in 2019, you have my permission to slap them in the face. But let me make one last attempt to keep the name fresh with a pun I haven’t heard before.

Turn Theo Riddick into a strong safety. Bring him towards the line of scrimmage. BAM. Theo Riddick in a box.

We’ve got another Jonathan in this region, and just like Wynn, this one is likely to see a first-round exit.

7. Frank Ragnow vs. 10. T.J. Hockenson

Frank Ragnow is a tough name, and just perfect for an offensive lineman. It sounds like the name of a 1930’s detective. Frank Ragnow, P.I. Just picture Ragnow in black and white with a fedora and a cigarette hanging from the tip of his lips. You know what, why just picture it? Here you go:

T.J. Hockenson would probably be a higher seed on any other team, but the Lions have seen their fair share of TJs in their day. Hockenson takes over for both Lang and Jones, who are gone, and he betters both of them with the last name Hockenson. I bet at least one time you’ve said the name Hockenson while simultaneously clearing the back of your throat, like you’re about to enter a long-distance spitting contest.

2. Oday Aboushi vs. 15. Andrew Donnal

Aboushi is the most fun name to say in this tournament. It reminds me of that commercial—probably for Geico, because every commercial is for Geico now—where the guy says, “You know what the capital of Djibouti is? Djibouti.”

You know what the last name of Oday Aboushi is? It’s Aboushi, and it’s fantastic. A+ use of vowels.

Andrew Donnal’s name is frustrating. I’m still not entirely sure if it’s DAH-null or duh-NAHL, and at this point, I don’t really care. Just call yourself Andrew Donald, and pretend you’re the defensive tackle for the Rams.