2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 3

Before we get into this region of names, let me start this with a call to action. I am asking—at least for the time being—for a cease-fire. We’re only two regions in, and the poll hacking for the Name Bracket has been obvious. Miles Killebrew’s road to a deserved tournament run is in jeopardy already and Zach Zenner has already been willed out of the tournament by someone spamming the polls.

Personally, I don’t really care. Part of the fun of this is that people are so irrationally invested in this thing that they resort to cheating. This is a Name Bracket tournament. It is, by nature, absurd and unimportant. So if people want to turn this into a poll hacking-off, that’s fine with me.

Unfortunately, that sentiment isn’t felt by most. Over the past few days, I’ve been bombarded with tweets, comments and emails saying this thing is no longer fun, because a couple hackers are ruining it for the rest. I completely understand that feeling, and I will admit that the tournament had a much purer feeling when the way to hack the tournament was to get an entire hometown to flood the polls.

So I ask of the few hackers. Please hold off on the poll flooding... for now. Ultimately, the point of this is to have fun, and it appears people just aren’t having fun right now. If that’s the case, this is all a waste of time. Well... an even more waste of time.

Thank you for your cooperation.

1. Beau Benzschawel vs. 16. Tavon Wilson

As if Beau Benzschawel wasn’t already considered a savior simply for being the most popular undrafted free agent signing, he brings a name that has just about everything. It’s got alliteration—a big plus for me. It brings a fairly unique first name. And he has a last name that looks like a mess of letters, but actually turns out to be a fairly easy pronunciation (ben-shawl). He could go deep in this tournament, and he may need to. As dire as the Lions’ guard situation is, we tend to fall in love a little too much with UDFAs.

He faces off against Tavon Wilson, who is probably unfairly cast as a 16 seed. Tavon Wilson’s name is totally fine, and abnormal enough to earn at least a 13, 14 seed. But there’s also nothing particularly distinguishing about the name. It sounds like the name of a brand of golf balls. I’m not sure if that reads as a compliment or insult, but it’s not supposed to be either.

8. Deontez Alexander vs. 9. Trey Flowers

A classic battle of the ages. What do you value more: first name or last name? Because Deontez is a fantastic last name, challenging your mouth to pronounce every single letter of it. While there is something hilariously ironic about a football player with the name Flowers.

There’s a reason this is an 8 vs. 9. I’m just going to step aside and let y’all decide.

5. Nick Bawden vs. 12. Andrew Adams

Today I learned what the word “bawdy” means, and now it has to become Nick Bawden’s nickname.

dealing with sexual matters in a comical way; humorously indecent.

Bawdy Bawden is going against Andrew Adams, which is just about as boring of a name as you get when you separate the first and last names. But there’s something about alliteration—especially with vowels—that makes this name stick out. I doubt there’s a 5 vs. 12 upset here, but I wouldn’t count it out completely.

4. Tommylee Lewis vs. 13. Damon Harrison Sr.

I can’t tell you how many times I have written “Tommylee Jones” after the Lions signed former Saints receiver Tommylee Lewis. I know some think it was Criminal for me to put Lewis with such a low seed, but he’s Just Getting Started, and this is No Country for Old Men. I’m not exactly Blown Away by Tommylee Lewis’ name, but he also kind of sounds like the Man of the House.... Men in Black 3.

Now is the part of the tournament where I remind you that NICKNAMES SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED. “Snacks” is not “Snacks” in this tournament. He’s Damon Harrison Sr. And while that is a name that certainly commands respect, it’s not one that should make it out of the first round.

6. Rashaan Melvin vs. 11. Ryan Santoso

Back in my day, the name Melvin meant a nerd or the king of the math olympics. These days, however, it has a much more specific definition. According to Urban Dictionary, Melvin is “person who typically takes the job of a bank manager based on his name.” That definition—which is currently listed as the top definition—was submitted by... Melvin the bank manager.

Anyways, Rashaan Melvin is a nice one-two punch of names. The extra “a’ in Rashaan gives the name a little regal feeling to it. It’s literally impossible to say his name without raising your eyebrows and raising your inflection on that second “a.”

I think I mentioned this last year, but the name Ryan Santoso always makes me laugh, because I picture Adam Sandler saying his last name. “san-TOE-SOOOOOOO”

3. Amani Oruwariye vs. 14. A’Shawn Robinson

If you’ve followed this tournament long enough, and—for whatever reason—actually read all of these dumb words I write, you know that I love vowel-heavy names. Not only does Amani Oruwariye bring it with a ton of vowels, but look how balanced they are placed. Literally every vowel is followed by a consonant and every consonant is followed by a vowel. It’s a beautiful name, even if 80 percent of people can’t say his last name (oh-roo-war-ee-ey).

People get tickled by the name A’Shawn Robinson, but it never really did anything for me. In his fourth year, I think the novelty of A’Shawn has completely worn off.

7. Graham Glasgow vs. 10. Travis Fulgham

While Graham Glasgow technically falls in line with the rest of the alliterative names, there’s something about that third G that makes it feel special. It’s a three-syllable name and each starts with that same “guh” sound. He really makes you work the back of that mouth and, uh oh, this sentence is in trouble let’s just end it right now.

Fulgham sounds like fulcrum, which is objectively the best physics-related word to say.

2. Teez Tabor vs. 15. Brandon Powell

Teez Tabor is in his third year, and his name still never ceases to amaze me. If he didn’t exist, I’m 100 percent certain Teez Tabor would be the name of the secret identity for one of the Avengers. (Shut up, comic book nerds. I know all of The Avengers pre-date Tabor’s birth.)

It’s got alliteration, it’s got an extremely easy punnable first name. It’s undoubtedly one of the best names this team has on the roster, and arguably one of the best names ever.

Brandon Powell’s last name has the word “pow” in it, and that’s pretty cool. I like those POW things from the Super Mario games. Let’s all take this opportunity to just enjoy the amazing soundtrack that was Super Mario 2: