2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 4

For now, all is peaceful in the land of the Name Bracket. After Monday’s call for a cease fire, it appears the poll hackers have acquiesced and the power is back in the hands of the lazy and normal.

But if I know this tournament, there will be mischief of some sort around the corner, and there better be at least some heated arguments in the comment section.

If you’re new to the Name Bracket tournament, we’re trying to determine the best name on the Detroit Lions’ 2019 roster. We’re finishing up the first round of this 64-name tournament today. You can view (and still vote on) Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 here.

1. Darius Slay vs. 16. Matthew Stafford

Much like Miles Killebrew, Darius Slay is a mainstay in this tournament that just can’t seem to get that ring. My worry is that Name Fatigue has set in, and his recent holdout may have soured him to fans—even if he remains an awesome, giving person.

To me, Darius Slay is simply a perfect name for the man himself. Bold, confident and funny. If one man embodies his name in this entire tournament, it’s Darius Slay.

Matthew Stafford’s name is boring, but, hey, it’s got the word Ford in it, and that’s pretty neat.

8. Don Muhlbach vs. 9. Kerryon Johnson

Don Muhlbach has been around forever, is awesome, and I have nothing new to say about him. So here’s a picture I made in reference to his name a year or two ago:

I have a deep love for the name Kerryon Johnson, and I can point to the exact moment when I fell in love with it. No, it has nothing to do with the song “Carry On Wayward Son” nor the song by Fun. “Carry On.” It has to do with Draft Night 2018.

That year, we had our infamous Pride of Detroit War Room. And one member—I can’t remember if we were live then or not—told a joke regarding Johnson’s name that I’ll never forget.

“What do you call a sex toy that you can bring on a plane?”

“A carry-on johnson.”

5. Romeo Okwara vs. 12. Tre Lamar

It’s two first-timers in the tournament, and two solid names. First, Romeo Okwara brings it with both name. Romeo makes our job a little too easy when it comes to Lions-themed Valentine’s Day cards. Okwara gets extra points for being able to create the “kwa” sound without using annoying Qs and Us. Plus it’s got the word war in it, which is badass for a defensive lineman.

I checked google about 15 different times and somehow Tre Lamar isn’t the name of a popular musician. I still think google is lying.

4. Luke Bowanko vs. 13. Anthony Pittman

The last name Bowanko is fascinating to me. It follows no pattern. No rules. It’s the outlaw of this tournament. Try to think of a name similar to Bowanko. You can’t, because it’s ridiculous. Maybe Placido Polanco? Oh man, what a name that is, too.

And with that hard K sound, it makes Luke—a fairly ordinary name—a perfect complement to the absurdity that is Bowanko. I love this name and hope it pulls off some upsets in this region.

I wish more people named Anthony would go by Tony. Tony is strong. Tony is brief. Tony is all-business. Anthony is long, played-out and just too much work. Doesn’t Tony Pittman sound much better?

6. Jalen Reeves-Maybin vs. 11. Mitchell Loewen

I’ve always had a weird relationship with hyphenated names in this tournament. Morally speaking, I have nothing wrong with going hyphenated. You want to share last names? That’s cool. Want to honor the legacies of two families? I get it.

But when it comes to the Name Bracket realm, I find them offensive. It’s a cheap way to polish up a boring name. Just because there’s more letters in there doesn’t mean it’s better. And in this case, in fact, I think it draws attention away from what could make this name great. Jalen Maybin would be at least a four seed in this tournament.

Mitchell Loewen deserves at least a handful of courtesy votes, because I misspelled his name in the bracket. No one noticed, so no need to point out one of my own mistakes. Please just disregard this paragraph and vote in the poll below.

3. Darius Kilgo vs. 14. Kevin Strong

Please, please, please, can we get a Darius Kilgo-Luke Bowanko Final Four matchup in this region? Darius Kilgo is such a fantastic name, and it’s a shame he’s sharing a region with another Darius that may steal some votes away.

Darius Kilgo had to have been a name of a character in “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” or some other dystopian character who has his face painted for some reason. By the way, why does everyone in the future have their face painted? Is that the only job available when robots do everything else? Do I need to start learning how to paint kitty cats on four-year-olds’ faces? I like turtles.

I like to think of the name Kevin Strong not as a name, but as a sentence uttered by Frankenstein’s monster as he tries to assimilate to modern-day culture. He puts on a comically-undersized suit, he names himself Kevin, and he goes to a job interview for a construction worker.

“Mr... Frankenstein, is it? Okay. Um... what would you say is one of your strengths?”

“Kevin Strong.”

“Okay, good. That’ll be needed. Anything else you’re particularly good at?”

“K-Kevin... s-strong.”

“Thanks for coming in.”

7. Ryan Pope vs. 10. Danny Amendola

You have to admire a family name as bold as “Pope.” Hmm... I wonder what your family did back in ancient days. Oh, no biggie, we were just the friggin Pope.

And what’s this? The Pope is going against someone whose last name literally begins with “Amen”?

Okay, I’m just going to let this one play out.

2. Jahlani Tavai vs. 15. Jamal Agnew

Hawaiian names are the best. Jahlani Tavai sounds like a tropical drink that tastes delicious, but will knock you on your ass four sips in. Like one of those drinks that the waiter will warn you about.

“We typically recommend you share the Jahlani Tavai with at least five people.”

You scoff at them and insist they bring it for you and you alone.

Then when the aquarium full of hot pink liquid is dropped on your table, you know you’re getting carried out of that bar.

Jamal Agnew is an okay name. Unfortunately, Jamal Agnew is overshadowed by the unofficial winner of the Vice President Name Bracket Tournament, Spiro Agnew.