2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 2, Part 1

The 2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket will always be tainted... which really makes it like any other Name Bracket tournament in this site’s history. The left side of the bracket was riddled with voting fraud, and the biggest victim was favorite Miles Killebrew. We’re still searching for a motive of Killebrew’s bracket killer, but our best detectives are on the case and we won’t stop until we understand why Killebrew was so carelessly destroyed in this tournament.

Or we could all just move on. It’s what Killebrew would’ve wanted.

We’re onto Round 2 of the tournament—ideally with the voting fraud cease-fire still in place. Let’s start with the Audible Dong region.

1. Quandre Diggs vs. 8. Kenny Wiggins

Quandre Diggs had no trouble disposing of Jarrad Davis, winning by a staggering 467-38 margin. This round will be a little tougher, however, as he’ll have to stop (oh!) get Wiggins with it (yeah!).

I like both names a lot here, but when it comes down to it, Quandre Diggs gives you a good first and second half performance. Kenny Wiggins is a second-half name, and you just can’t rely on those fourth-quarter comebacks every week. Kenny Wiggins is no Matthew Stafford.

5. Micah St. Andrew vs. 13 Tom Savage

Another casualty to the Great Tampering of 2019 was fan-favorite Zach Zenner. However, there is some legitimacy to Tom Savage making it to the second round. There was a groundswell of support both on Twitter and the comment section. That being said, whoever decided to hack the polls was being downright... hmmm... what’s a word for a brutal or vicious person? Can’t think of any.

Savage has the opportunity to make a Cinderella run, but he’ll have to get by the human golf course Micah St. Andrew. One bonus to this name—if you’re a fan of it—is that he sneakily has two first names. While I appreciate that, it also really bothers me that his last name isn’t Andrews. I’ve had to backspace that s on at least five different occasions. You owe me approximately .0000001 of a cent for that extra work time, Andrews. GAH, make that .000001.

11. Kenny Golladay vs. 3. Jesse James

Here we have a classic case of a popular player passing over a better name in the first round. Kenny Golladay is a fine name and probably a little underseeded. But objectively speaking, it is not a better name than Garret Dooley. If you voted that way, you are wrong and I shun thee.

All will be made right in the end, however. Jesse James should beat Golladay handily. Even if you were to take the American Outlaw out of the equation, Jesse James is just a solid name. Alliteration, brevity, and if the historical Jesse James didn’t exist, I’m pretty sure someone else named Jesse James would’ve become a famous icon. Some musician or actor would’ve changed their name to Jesse James and written some badass song or played a gritty Oscar-winning role.

7. Da’Shawn Hand vs. 2. Leo Koloamatangi

This is the first legitimately hard matchup of the tournament. Both of these names are deserving of a Sweet 16 appearance, but only one will make it. Typically, I like to stay out of contests in which I have a tremendous amount of respect for each name, but here’s my one-line pitch for each name.

Da’Shawn Hand: With DeShawn Shead gone, Hand now has a monopoly on the name Da’Shawn, and his name almost sounds identical, so it’s like he’s carrying the spirit of Shead with him, making him a medium of sort.

Leo Koloamatangi: If you learn to pronounce his name (coh-low-ah-muh-tawn-gee), you can impress your easily-impressed friends and shame them for not being “real” Lions fans.

Now onto the “I Bless the Names” region:

16. Charles Washington vs. 9. Devon Kennard

A vote for Devon Kennard is a vote for Miles Killebrew. A vote for Charles Washington is a vote for the Chicago Bears winning the NFC North. Make the right choice.

5. Isaac Nauta vs. 4. Andre Chachere

OH GOD, DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE. Because I am holding an election here, I feel it is my duty to make sure the electorate is informed. So as a reminder, Chachere is pronounced “sha-sur-ray” which is a fact I’m still wrapping my head around.

Both have above-average, but not completely unique first names. Both names kill it on the back end. I am not Nauta going to make the decision for you. The choices are yours and yours alone.

6. Dee Virgin vs. 3. Theo Riddick

I’m still not sure whether a vote for Dee Virgin is a vote for or against cyber bullying, but I don’t feel great about it. On one hand, I want his name to be the source of something successful in his life. On the other hand, I know a bunch of you are clicking while laughing to yourself, “hehehehe, it sounds like the virgin.”

I keep trying to come up with facts to keep the name Theo Riddick fresh, because it is such a solid name. How about this: his name is an anagram for Iced Dork Hit. I don’t know, I tried.

7. Frank Ragnow vs. 2. Oday Aboushi

Detective Frank Ragnow, P.I. made it to the second round by the slimmest of margins. He inched out T.J. Hockenson by a mere six vote (356-350). Things won’t be as easy this time, as ragNow he has to take on Oday Aboushi, who received all but 15 votes in his first-round matchup against Andrew Donnal. Thanks for visiting the site, Donnal family, we hope your summer is going well.

Any time I hear the name Aboushi, I can’t help but call him Prince A-boo-booshi, like Jafar from “Aladdin.” I just thought you should know that. Now watch Jafar say a-boo-boo for five minutes straight, because the internet is dumb and weird and awesome. How far can you get?