2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: The Sweet 16

I come here with my hat in my hands. You may want to sit down.

Not all is well in the Name Bracket. I tried. I tried like hell. You all asked for me to protect the sanctity of the 2019 tournament. You entrusted me to bring some peace and harmony to an institution that had been plagued by corruption and greed.

I failed you.

The Name Bracket Hacker is back, or at least some spawn of the hacker, and it cost us some innocent souls in Round 2. As far as I can tell Andre Chachere, Jesse James and... gulp... Beau Benzschawel fell victim to the killer. The Name Bracket Hacker (NBH) was very selective in his or her terroristic actions, making sure to choose the most impactful of matchups to disrupt the tournament. I don’t know how I will break the news to the Chachere, James and Benzschawel families. Hopefully, I pronounce their names right.

But we must march on. We must prove that we will not be held hostage by NBH. We must flood the polls ourselves. Prove to NBH that the power of the many is stronger than the power of the few. Onward. Upward. NBH be damned, we must finish this thing.

Here is your Sweet 16 of the 2019 Name Bracket Tournament.

1. Quandre Diggs vs. 13. Tom Savage

The returning champion has had a relatively easy road to the Sweet 16. It’s a bit surprising, because we’ve never had anyone close to going back-to-back. Name Fatigue usually sets in by now, but Diggs has managed to stave it off. There’s a pretty good chance that Quandre Diggs being so damn likable has helped.

He’ll go against the top Cinderella story left in the tournament: Tom Savage. Personally, I’m offended that someone named Tom made it this deep in the tournament, but kids these days are fond of words like “trash,” “sick,” “lit,” “epic,” and “savage” apparently. This should be Micah St. Andrew’s or Zach Zenner’s spot, but that’s why they play the games.

11. Kenny Golladay vs. 2. Leo Koloamatangi

The only other double-digit seed left in this tournament is another crowd favorite. Kenny Golladay hasn’t been a Lion long enough to see the fans turn on him, so it makes sense that he’s this deep in the tournament. Still, he brings a name that was probably more deserving than an 11 seed. It’s still fresh enough that people making holiday puns think they’re being original. Bless their souls.

I’ve talked plenty about Hawaiian names, and my love of vowels. So my passion for the name Leo Koloamatangi is well know.

At this point, I would like to have a mini-debate. Where does Leonardo rank in your Ninja Turtles Power Rankings? I feel like the answer very much depends on age. At first, everyone loves Michelangelo, because, duh, party dude. Then you love Raphael because you’re in your teenage angsty phase. Then, as education becomes more important to you, you mature into a Donatello guy. Finally, when you’re an adult and fed up with everyone’s BS, you inherit Leonardo. Anyone who like Leonard the most as a kid was the annoying person at the kids table who sat arms crossed thinking he deserved to be sitting with the adults.

Please accept my dissertation for my TMNT doctorate.

9. Devon Kennard vs. 5. Isaac Nauta

Devon Kennard the name is much like Devon Kennard the football player. There’s nothing outstanding about either, but they both belong here. Both Devon and Kennard are unique and interesting enough to earn a mid-tier seed, but there just isn’t a ton of potential to make this an outstanding name. “Save big money with Kennard?” Seems like a stretch.

Can we talk about how underrated the name Isaac is? We’ve accepted it as such a normal name, but when you take the time to actually look at it, it’s ludicrous. The double-a is a rare treat in the English language—like a fresh key lime pie.

Also, Nauta kinda sounds like naughty.

6. Dee Virgin vs. 2. Oday Aboushi

I’m not making a virgin joke every round here. There’s no depth to the name Dee Virgin. I’m sorry. This is where we should part ways. Grow up, everyone. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just looking for someone a little more... mature... experienced.

I don’t think I need to do anything to tell you how good of a name Oday Aboushi is, but have you tried pronouncing his first name like “The Little Rascals” pronounces okay? “Ooooooooooooh-day!”

9. Trey Flowers vs. 4. Tommylee Lewis

I reject this matchup. This is Beau Benzschawel’s region, but Trey Flowers must be paying NBH. FOLLOW THE MONEY.

We must seek the help of Tommylee “Jones” Lewis to help track down the NBH like he was Harrison Ford at the end of a sewer waterfall thing. FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OR JUMP, NBH.

Of course you jumped, you coward.

3. Amani Oruwariye vs. 7. Graham Glasgow

Another week, another instance of someone on staff writing Armani. I will spare the guilty party, but just know that it fills me with glee every time someone makes that mistake. If you can fool some of the most knowledgeable people in this fanbase, you’ve got some serious name talent.

Graham Glasgow was, surprisingly, the victor in the battle of the alliteration, just barely edging out Teez Tabor. I suspect a little foul play there, but there isn’t enough evidence for a conviction. NBH escapes another charge.

1. Darius Slay vs. 5. Romeo Okwara

You have to admire Darius Slay. He’s been around this tournament every single year, and he’s managed to hold onto a one seed. And in spite of being in the middle of a potential contract holdout, he’s still chugging along in this tournament.

I think people tend to get distracted by Romeo Okwara’s first name, when I think it’s his last name that really does the heavy lifting here. Oh-kwar-ah is just a fresh set of sounds next to each other. Plus, it sounds just as badass backwards: Arawko.

3. Darius Kilgo vs. 2. Jahlani Tavai

OH GOD, I’M SO TORN.

On one hand, a Darius Slay vs. Darius Kilgo Elite Eight matchup is so poetically beautiful. I MUST HAVE IT.

On the other hand, Jahlani Tavai is objectively the best name in this tournament and should win.

How about everyone doesn’t vote for this one and we just advance them both to the Elite Nine?