2019 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: The Elite Eight

The Name Bracket Hacker (NBH) is still lurking, but is loosening his/her/its grip on the tournament. The Sweet 16 saw the influence of NBH take a stranglehold on only one matchup. I’m sorry, Oday Aboushi. You are the latest victim to fall prey to this monster. Dee Virgin... you are now a Person Of Interest.

As investigators continue to close in on their search for NBH, the Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament must proceed. After all, training camp is just a week away, and if we don’t finish this thing by then, it will get drowned out by “Player X is in the best shape of his life” articles, and we can’t have that.

So here is your field for the Elite Eight.

1. Quandre Diggs vs. 2. Leo Koloamatangi

Despite all the controversy, the Audible Dong region played out as expected: one seed vs. two seed.

Quandre Diggs is currently poised to be the only two-time champion, as he’s easily disposed of everyone in his way. However, Leo Koloamatangi is here to say, “Hell Noloamatangi.”

Last year, Koloamatangi was barely ousted by Darius Slay in the Sweet 16, but now he’s looking for sweet, sweet revenge against Slay’s defensive backmate. It’s a classic villain strategy: If you can’t beat the hero, go after the hero’s best friend. Here’s where I would put an example of that, drawing uncanny parallels between the two scenarios, but I’m no nerd. I haven’t seen The Avengers movies. Spider-man movies need to stop (except that cartoon one). There has to be more interesting movie topics than WE NEED SOMEONE WITH SPECIAL POWERS TO SAVE THE WORLD.

5. Isaac Nauta vs. 6. Dee Virgin

We clearly have a lot of “Office Space” fans in the crowd, as Isaac Nauta continues to roll in this tournament. Admittedly, he’s had a pretty easy route. He steamrolled Devon Kennard and Jonathan Wynn, and he NBH’d his way to an unjust win over Andre Chachere, a name in which we now know we were actually pronouncing wrong, because NFL.com got it wrong:

OH MY GOD, THAT’S EVEN BETTER. DAMN YOU, NBH.

NBH may have gotten his way in putting Dee Virgin in the Elite Eight over Oday Aboushi, but they made a big mistake about revealing their identity. Because they went with Virgin, we now know plenty of characteristics about the Name Backet Hacker. We know they live in their parents’ basement. We know they don’t shower. We know their age range must be somewhere between 11 and 14. There’s probably a pretty good chance they’re on 4chan, too.

Tread carefully, NBH. We’re closing in.

9. Trey Flowers vs. 3. Amani Oruwariye

In the closest matchup in Sweet 16 history, Trey Flowers ousted Tommylee Lewis by a mere four votes. Of course, neither of these names should even be here. Beau Benzschawel vs. Amani Oruwariye would’ve been an epic matchup in this bracket, but NBH robbed us of that opportunity.

Instead we’re left with two-noun vs. vowel overdose. Because I’m not sure I got my point across before, look how beautifully balanced the name Amani Oruwariye is. Vowel-consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel. The entire way. Seeing that for the first time is like that moment you first realize the FedEx logo has an arrow in it, or that the hole in the spaghetti spoon isn’t just there for straining water, but can actually measure out one serving size of pasta, or that Panic! at the Disco and Fall Out Boy aren’t the same band. (editor’s note: they totally are)

1. Darius Slay vs. 2. Jahlani Tavai

April 26, 2013: The Detroit Lions select Darius Slay with their second-round pick.
April 26, 2019: The Detroit Lions select Jahlani Tavai with their second-round pick.

This moment was bound to happen the minute Detroit took a chance on the Mississippi State product six years ago.

Slay has the disadvantage of having Name Fatigue over the last few years, but the advantage of being a kickass player and an extremely likable guy.

Tavai is a fresh name—even for those that were following the draft closely this year. It’s a name that rolls off the tongue so easily and introduces you to new ways letters can work together. “Ai” is an underrated suffix. Lanai, Mumbai, samurai, Shanghai, bonsai—all fantastic words. We need more words that end in ai, even if they’re pulled from other languages. Merriam-Webster, get on it.