Good morning, and welcome to this year’s edition of All Hallows’ Eve. Finally, an event in which everyone can agree to wear a mask for something bigger than themselves!
Yes, folks, it’s finally that time of the year where candy takes centerstage, and unfortunately, candy corn becomes relevant—much to the chagrin of our own Kyle Yost.
But we’re gathered here today to find out the answer to this season’s most important question, which just so happens to be today’s question of the day:
If the 2020 Detroit Lions were a candy bar, what would they be?
If there was an easy answer to this question, I wouldn’t have even posed it in the first place. But that’s what we do here at Pride of Detroit, we give you the analysis you didn’t know you wanted, but come to learn you need. We take the hard questions head on like we’re looking to get ejected for targeting.
The thing about the 2020 Detroit Lions is they started out sour. A dropped pass away from knocking off the Chicago Bears in Week 1 stuck in your teeth for days like a Caramel Apple Pop. An absolute trouncing at the hands of the Green Bay Packers in Week 2 was like coming back to a Snickers bar you stashed in your car before an eighty-degree day in September. A complete, unadulterated collapse against the New Orleans Saints in Week 4 was like a helping of the aforementioned candy corn: it was garbage from the start, but you ate it anyways thinking it would be a fine treat—it wasn’t.
Before we even knew it, the Lions were 1-3 on the season and things were worse than sour. It was reminiscent of riding the bus in elementary school and seeing kids stuff a handful of Warheads in their mouths to prove how tough they were—you weren’t tough, you were a glutton for punishment, which means those kids are probably fully-grown Lions fans right about now.
But since the bye week, the Lions have turned their season around. After back-to-back victories, the team is perfectly average at 3-3 with a chance this weekend to stake their claim to the Wild Card race in the NFC.
It’d be too easy to call these Lions a bunch of Sour Patch Kids. It’s too applicable to the middling teams around the league. No, the 2020 Detroit Lions are truly the embodiment of the most average candy bar there is out on the market: a Snickers bar.