That’s what the Lions do to me. That’s what the Lions do to you. They’re an alien from a Will Smith movie that’s wrapped their tentacles around you neck and forced you to talk for them. Instead of enjoying your post-Christmas Saturday, you got to “enjoy” the Lions getting beat 47-7 by Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
As always, I have thoughts on this game. These are those thoughts.
Is anyone actually reading this column today? Do you really want me to just talk football? I can do that if you want. Unfortunately there’s no good way to explain how embarrassing the Lions were on national television Saturday using just football terms, so I’m going to show you the only way I know how. By embarrassing myself.
How embarrassing was the Lions loss Saturday? Well on the first day of eighth grade I got off the bus with my best friend and I really had to pee. He kept saying, “Just go in my house.” But I was all worried about manners and stuff. Long story short, I peed my pants in his front yard. That’s how embarrassing the Lions were Saturday.
That not working for you? Here’s another one. We thought this was funny. It’s not.
You want one more to really show how embarrassing the Lions were Saturday? 12 years ago I called my wife my ex-girlfriend’s name. That’s how bad it was. It might have actually been worse than that. Like the time I pooped my pants in second grade.
5 good things
Okay, I’m gonna force myself to say five good things about the Lions play on Saturday. Alright here goes. Just give me one minute. Seriously, I can do this.
- The jerseys look good. You seriously can’t teach that
- It didn’t last too long
- It didn’t mean anything
- It helped the Lions get a better draft pick
- Nobody peed/pooped their pants
I did it!
How much more can Stafford take?
He’s one tough son of bitch, but every person has their breaking point. In 2020 alone, Stafford has hurt his hand, ribs and ankle. He’s also had to quarantine TWICE due to COVID despite never getting it. The second incident kept him from being able to get to his young daughter after she suffered a concussion. On top of all that, he’s here for another losing season, another coach firing and another GM firing.
We keep talking about the possibility that Stafford could be traded. At this point if I’m Matthew, I’m retiring. I’m calling it a career and retiring. What is there to play for anymore? A Super Bowl is nice and all. But when it comes down to it, this is about making money and providing for your family. Stafford has done that. What’s keeping him here?
For the record, I doubt he does it. But, man, this is a real test of human will and spirit.
One more week
Just hold on more one week, Lions fans. Everything changes after that. I don’t know if anything changes for the better, but it changes. In the words of Sheryl Crow, “A change will do you good.” I think that’s what she said. I don’t care to look it up. Not even sure it was Sheryl.
In just one more week we’ll be looking forward to who the Lions hire to be their new GM and who that person hires to be the new coach. Then, of course, the arguments between the side of the fan base that likes it and the side that hates it that will continue all offseason long. It’s gonna be fun and that’s all I wanna do. Have fun. Take it away, Sheryl! I’ll be in my basement turning into Devon Sawa from the Stan video if anyone needs me.