2020 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 2

Round 1, Part 1 of the Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament seemed to have gone and passed without any major disruptions. Consider this the calm before the storm. Soon, these matchups are going to get harder, and people will turn on each other. Watch your back, friend, because there may be a knife sticking out of it before this tournament is through.

Anyways, hope your week is going well.

Here’s the Snacks region of the 2020 Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament.

1. Miles Killebrew vs. 16. Travis Fulgham

Somehow, Miles Killebrew has never won this damn thing, despite having one of the most popular names on the team. Fortunately for him, he was re-signed by the team this offseason, giving him one more crack at the title. Unfortunately, now in his fifth Name Bracket Tournament, name fatigue has settled in for Killebrew. Does anyone even want to Kill a Brew anymore?

Fulgham is a pretty neat last name. It’s like fulcrum, but without that annoying hard C sound. It’s the low-impact version of fulcrum, and for someone with bad knees, I appreciate that.

8. Jalen Reeves-Maybin vs. 9. Steven Wirtel

Jalen Reeves-Maybin always seems to go a round further than he should in this tournament. People like hyphenated names for some reason, but I just view them as excessive. I have no moral objection to splitting a last name, but I am a man who appreciates brevity. I know that sounds silly since I write 1,400 words on player names in these articles, but it’s true.

I propose that Jalen Reeves-Maybin’s name would be better if it were simply Jalen Maybin: it rhymes. The syllables in each name give it a nice jaunty feeling. It feels right. By the time I get to the hyphen in Jalen Reeves-Maybin, I’m ready to take a nap.

The only reason Steven Wirtel is in this tournament at all is because his last name reminds me of Squirtle. I’m not a big Pokemon guy, and I never have been. In fact, it really creeps me out that there is a generation of 30+ year olds that are still semi-obsessed with the Pokemon brand. Do y’all still sleep with stuffed animals, too? Are you the same creepy adults that dress up as princes and princesses at Disney World?

You can all enjoy whatever the hell you want in this life, and I would never try to discourage you from your interests. But you have to admit it’s a little weird to fawn over cute, fake animals while also having to pay property taxes.

5. Isaac Nauta vs. 12. Tom Kennedy

I’m pretty sure last year I used up my career quota of “Office Space” references when it comes to Nauta... Nauta... Nauta gonna work here anymore, so I don’t know if I have anything left to say about this name. I will say that Isaac is an underrated name, and I’m pretty sure that’s not just my Hebrew side talking. The double A is just so rare in this world, you have to covet it like an uncut gem.

Tom is not an original name. Kennedy is not a unique surname. But put them together, and you have the next presidential candidate. Although in my messed up brain, when I hear the name “Kennedy” I don’t think of the prestigious political family. Well, not directly, at least. I think of the greatest Kennedy of all: JFK’s clone:

4. D’Andre Swift vs. 13. Jonathan Wynn

The D’Andre Swift puns have already begun. The most popular, of course, being “Gettin’ Swifty in here.”

What crazy luck to have the last name Swift and eventually make your way to the NFL as one of the shiftiest running backs in the nation? It’d be like naming a future quarterback Nick Rocket or a competitive eater Jason Gorge or if my name was Jeremy TriesToHardToBeFunny.

Jonathan Wynn has no real business being in this tournament. Yes, his name has Wynn in it. No, that’s not all that original, and it would only really be cool if he was a superstar in this league.

Vote Swift and let’s move on... swiftly.

6. Logan Stenberg vs. 11. Jashon Cornell

It’s kind of amazing how much of an impact pop culture can have on the perception of a name. A decade ago, “Logan” would probably be perceived as a “soft” name fit for a George Carlin bit. But name one dude with swords jutting out of his hands Logan, and suddenly it’s a badass name of a dude that will not hesitate to slit your throat.

I also have a love/hate relationship with the name Stenberg. I love it because it’s unique. I hate it, because I write “Sternberg” 100% of the time.

Jashon Cornell has a solid chance at an upset here, though. We’ve got symmetry in syllables, and a unique first name that somehow feels familiar. It’s not Jason. It’s not Desean or Da’Shawn. It’s Jashon.

3. Jahlani Tavai vs. 14. Russell Bodine

Jahlani Tavai may be my favorite name on the team. I’ve already professed my love for Hawaiian names, but Tavai masters the art. Jahlani may be the perfect first name. It just flows so perfectly and you can really dig into that surfer accent in the “lahhhhhni” part. Tavai is a nice cap to the name, as you can hold at “ai” as long as you want. Cut it off quickly, or let it mellow for a bit. Either way, it’s chill, bro.

Russell Bodine is one of those names that looks ordinary, but isn’t at all. Russell is still a fairly uncommon name and reminds me of a Bloodhound Gang song. Bodine... well, it makes me think of bovine, which doesn’t seem like a compliment to the player, so let’s just end this here.

7. Julian Okwara vs. 10. Danny Amendola

Okwara 2.0 comes into his inaugural Name Bracket with the disadvantage of already having a twinge of name fatigue thanks to his brother. But will he pick up any bonus points for being the Julian to his brother’s Romeo? They aren’t a package deal, but this is up for the fury of Name Bracket voters to decide.

I want to devote this portion of the Name Bracket to shout out all people around the world sporting childlike nicknames into adulthood. To the Dannys, Jennys, Billys, Xanders, Timmys, Rickys of the world: Never lose that childlike wonder. Being an adult sucks, and you’re holding onto whatever you can to keep feeling youthful. Mad respect to you rascals.

2. Olive Sagapolu vs. 15. Geremy Davis

Olive Sagapolu looks like an adventurous course at a greek restaurant, but the name gets even better when you learn how to pronounce it. No, it’s not “ah-live.” It’s “oh-lee-vay.” And the last name comes with some fun, too. Much like Tua Tagovailoa’s name is pronounced “tongue-oh-vai-low-uh,” Sagapolu is pronounced “sung-uh-poe-loo.”

Yes, his name is “oh-lee-vay sung-uh-poe-loo.” I think we’re done here.

Hey, that’s not how you spell your name, Geremy. Get it together, man.