2020 Detroit Lions Name Bracket: Round 1, Part 3

The Golden Tate region of the 2020 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament will undoubtedly be one of the most contentious. Already, we’ve had several people complain about my seeding in this region. Many believe this region has the eventual winner, and we have a potential risque Round 2 matchup that will undoubtedly raise some eyebrows next week.

Here’s your look at our first-round matchups.

1. Quintez Cephus vs. 16. Jalen Elliott

The name Quintez Cephus challenges my mouth to make shapes and noises it has never made. I’m convinced if I spent 30 minutes saying it over and over again, I would wake up the next morning sore for using muscles in my face I’ve never used before.

And while the name scores points for originality, it’s really how the names work together that makes is so magical. They flow right into each other. The “ez” leads right into the soft “c” sound of Cephus.

Jalen Elliott reminds me of Teez Tabor and the movie “E.T.” That’s all I got.

8. Geronimo Allison vs. 9. Kenny Golladay

Geronimo is both an awesome name and one of the best exclamations there are. I don’t know if there’s a word with such a specific use. You pretty much only scream “GERONIMO” when your jumping off or out of something. Why is that? Unsurprisingly, it has to do with armed forces jumping out of planes. There are several theories tracing the exact origin of it, but my favorite is that it was just a popular song at the time so paratroopers used it instead of the preferred “Currahee.” Just think, if it had taken an extra 100 years for airplanes to be invented, we’d be screaming “My humps!” every time we jumped off a diving board.

Golladay. Holliday. Go-all-day. Meh. I’m officially bored by the name.

5. Nick Bawden vs. 12. Frank Herron

The “aw” sound is far too underused in the English language. Caw, maw, slaw, gnaw, Paw Paw, Michigan. I can’t explain what makes that sound so appealing. It really brings out your inner southern twang with a little bit of a mischievous tone.

Frank Herron has a bird for a last name, but I don’t like that bird, because I always confuse “heron” with “herring,” then I feel like a fool for confusing a bird with a fish. To further complicate things, HERONS EAT HERRINGS. To confirm this fact, I googled it and found that a person on a gaming forum had asked the same question. The one and only response? “there is no such thing as a fish.” Never change, gamers.

4. Oday Aboushi vs. 13. Jayron Kearse

I’m honestly not sure which name I like more “Oday” or “Aboushi.” Both flex that vowel muscle, and both conjure up some solid pop culture references. Oday = OOOOOOOOOO-tay. And as I beat into the ground last year, Aboushi always reminds me of “Prince A-boo-boo” from “Aladdin.”

Jayron Kearse is an interesting name on multiple fronts. First, he replaces the similarly named Jermaine Kearse from last year’s tournament. Secondly, Jayron feels like a name that was mispronounced by the substitute teacher in those “Key and Peele” sketches.

6. Trey Flowers vs. 11. David Blough

Trey Flowers feels like such a unique name, yet in the very same football league there is someone else named Tre Flowers. Those two absolutely need to battle it out in some way for rights to the name. Or maybe the winner changes their name to Quad Flowers. Obviously, the competition has to be something like competitive floral arrangement, which could become the next big thing if sports never come back.

David Blough is an unfortunate name. Even though it’s pronounced “BLAH-OW,” which is undeniably awesome and sounds like a Lil Jon fill, everyone only sees “blow.” And for a third-string quarterback, you just can’t have your name look like it says “blow.” It’s especially unfortunately, because Blough actually seems like a good dude.

3. Jeremiah Dinson vs. 14. Jason Huntley

The name Jeremiah is near and dear to my heart, as it was a nickname of mine growing up. I think that’s where my love for vowels and vowel sounds began. Unfortunately, that dumb song ruined it, and I was regularly called a “bullfrog.” Still, I won’t let Three Dog Night take that name away from me. (Note: I don’t actually hate this song, but I do resent it.)

Jason Huntley is this year’s “Detroit Lions draft pick whose name I inexplicably forget their rookie season.” It’s just an extremely ordinary name, and I guess the only reason I even put it in this tournament is because it has the word hunt in it? But there’s also a Hunter Bryant on the team, so, yeah, send that bullfrog to the next round.

7. Dee Virgin vs. 10. Jason Cabinda

You can read the name. Make your own jokes.

Cabinda, on the other hand, I’ll have to explain why I think is such a solid last name. Cabinda is so soft and sweet. It rhymes with Melinda. The “N” softens the blow of a hard “D.” Oh god, what did I just say? I’m getting one matchup ahead of myself. Just vote.

2. John Penisini vs. 15. Hunter Bryant

Aaaaaand, from the minute he was drafted: