What just happened? Lions vs Eagles

What happened? I just woke up. I guess I got tired watching the Detroit Lions' incredibly boring 44-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Ok, I didn’t really sleep, but I wanted to pretty bad because that was just so boring.

As always, I have thoughts on this game. These are those thoughts.

This offense is just too much to bear

This offense is so bad and so one-dimensional that Lions fans don’t just have to watch it, they have to bear it.

Lions fans have to get in the building and find a way to survive the Lions' offense. They have to fight it to the death. If the Lions' offense goes into a building full of weapons with Lions fans, I’m, not sure who’s coming out alive. The Lions are so unbelievably predictable on offense that the Philadelphia Eagles' defense read everything the Lions did like it was a children’s book.

Matt Nelson aided and abetted a murder

Seriously if this were Texas, Matt Nelson would have the book thrown at him right alongside Josh Sweat. If you’re on the side of the fence that says the Lions should trade Taylor Decker, I hope you see how wrong that is now. Matt Nelson was an absolute turnstile on Sunday and moving on from Decker would only make things worse.

How far would Jared Goff run backward if nothing stopped him?

I’d really like to put on a smock, light a bunsen burner, and run a science experiment on Jared Goff. I want to put pressure on Goff after the snap and see how far he’ll run backward. My guess is if we told him he had to hold onto the ball and nobody blew the whistle dead, he’d wind up on Canada somewhere. We wouldn’t find him till Tuesday.

This is what he is now. Jared Goff is just another quarterback that Lions fans tell jokes about like Joey Harrington or Dan Orlovsky.

The defensive inconsistency will be the death of half of Detroit

I’m serious about this. The city of Detroit will have to build a special cemetery for it. Maybe they could buy one of the parking lots from the Illich family and build it there. Every time the Lions' defense looks like it’s improving on a weekly basis, the Lions go out and have a game like this against a team like the Eagles.

I understand it’s a rebuild and there’s a lot of injuries on this side of the ball, but good grief how can this same group nearly stop the Los Angeles Rams and then struggle to do much of anything against the Eagles?

The bye week is going to be beautiful

Get ready Lions fans. Next weekend you can just hang out on the couch and do nothing on Sunday. Maybe you can watch a movie. I hear that Dune is pretty good. I’m sure Netflix and all the other streaming services will be full of new stuff to enjoy too.

Go get fall pictures taken. [Editor’s note: This is literally what I am doing next Sunday]. You can do that one where you’re playing the leaves and you can’t believe you’re so in love as leaves fall from the sky.

Or, you guys can go get pumpkin spice everything!

Whatever you do, just be happy you don’t have to find a way to get through another week of Lions football.

This game was the absolute worst

I know there will be plenty of Lions fans in the comments naming a loss they saw in 1984 that was the worst ever and they’re welcome to do that. But, this was the most embarrassing loss I think I’ve seen the Lions have since I started covering the team in 2014.

They’ve been blown out before on many occasions, but at least the Lions scored points early in the game. The Lions got demolished in every facet of this game. The boos sounded louder and the gaffes seemed bigger.

What’s worse is that Lions fans circled this game for weeks as the game the Lions could finally win. Instead, the team put up their worst performance of the season by far. It was so bad that I oddly feel confident that it couldn’t possibly get worse than that.

Good Stuff

To end this piece I should put away the negativity and say something positive about this Lions team to bring fans into the bye week on a positive note. Let’s see here, I’m sure something happened. Umm... there was that time Darius Slay scored. Oh, wait he doesn’t play in Detroit anymore. I got nothing. The candy was good? As a matter of fact, I’m going to go eat more now until I pass out and forget this game ever happened.