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Lions Festivus 2021: The Airing of Grievances

We’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it.

We have raised the strong aluminum pole, with an impressive strength-to-weight ratio. The meatloaf is coming out of the oven as we speak. It is that miraculous time of the year: Festivus is upon us.

This is a well-honored tradition at Pride Of Detroit, where we all myriad of many faith come together to celebrate as one this de-commercialized holiday taken primarily from a sitcom perpetually in syndication. We have celebrated our own Honolulu Blue version of Festivus—a Lions Festivus, if you will—for many years now, and in 2021 we seek to continue this tradition and keep life pumping through the arteries.

The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances.

Chris Perfett: I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it! In the moment it’s fine to be swept up in Kool-Aid and hope and whatnot, but let’s not forget the Detroit Lions have just two wins! That’s the objective way to say they suck! I don’t care if they’ve played tough. We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Getting really excited about third string guys playing way out of their league? Thinking that the UDFA balling out in two-and-a-half non-consecutive games is going to be a starter next year? How stupid are you people? You do this all the time! Every goddamn year you lose yourself looking at one tree in a forest. I love these Lions, as human beings, I love Dan Campbell, but do you honestly think your optimism and love will hold out if they start to bomb out next year? You’re all conniving, backstabbing sorts, the lot of you. You don’t care if these guys are great or not. You’ll twist with the wind and throw them to the wolves if they don’t perform next time around. Hell, they may even deserve it. Not long ago some fans were ready to rebel watching Campbell call plays.

Morgan Cannon: To put it simply, the Lions' uniforms all fall short. I was excited back in 2017 when the Lions announced they would be revamping their look, as I wasn’t a fan of the pre-2017 look either. Maybe it’s just me being a 90’s baby, but those uniforms during the ’90s were elite. Assuming they make changes in the next few years, please - Rod Wood, Sheila, whoever needs to hear this - modernize those 90’s uniforms a bit, and you will be met with a (mostly) positive response.

Mike Payton: Let’s see here. What do I want to complain about? I got one. It’s similar to Morgan’s grievance. Why are we ignoring the old logo? I’m not talking about that weird logo from the ’50s where there’s a football player on the logo. I’m not talking about the skinny Lion from the 60’s that’s used on all Lions’ throwback merch these days either. I’m talking about the good old Barry Sanders era Lions logo. The logo that had to die when the Millen era died. I love that logo and would prefer to buy Lions throwback gear with that logo on it. The Lions' throwback gear has gotten lazy. Sometimes it just has the old look and the current logo on it while fans of other teams around the league get their old logos. Give me back my old Lions logo!

Jeremy Reisman: Hey, anti-Christ. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you Willem Dafoe-looking motherfucker. Stop. Leave us alone. You play us once every four years, and yet you manage to torment us just as much as the Aaron Rodgers and Jared Allens of the world.

How is it possible that you’ve only made two 60+ yard field goals in your entire career, and they were both last-minute, game-winning kicks in the ONLY TWO GAMES YOU HAVE EVER PLAYED IN DETROIT?

You have played 158 games in your career. THREE of those have been against the Lions. Maybe if you stopped saving your biggest kicks for Detroit, you wouldn’t have such an average kicking percentage in the playoffs. Among kickers who have had at least 10 field goal attempts in the postseason, your 77.8 accuracy percentage ranks 41st out of 86 NFL kickers, above mostly shitty kickers from the 70s.

(Hi, Kyle.)

Also, while we’re on kickers, you heathens who booed Matt Prater last week deserve to have your season tickets revoked. Boo Sheila all you want, but Prater is a God in this city and will remain as such. I hope this man meets you at the Ford Field gates next time you try to get in.

Andrew Kato: My beef this year is with people who will simply not let questionable decisions by the team go and continue to harp on them when everyone else has moved on. Maybe you didn’t like a particular contract restructure, or you didn’t like trading picks to the Broncos for Trinity Benson, or you didn’t like the package the team got for trading Stafford. Whatever the item, go ahead and state your position. That’s fine! But once you’ve let everyone know your stance on it, there’s no need to go back to the well every other week like an armchair Lions front office “Nobody:” meme. Many of us also dislike some of those moves, but there’s no need to dwell on it. Good points, we got you; there are still lots of other things to discuss and hear your thoughts on.

Ryan Mathews: Look, I need to get this off my chest: I like quarterback Justin Fields. He’s a promising football player with all the physical tools to be successful at the NFL’s most important position. He could very well be a thorn in the Lions' side for a long, long time. But I promise you, I don’t want to hear another word about how the Lions should have drafted Fields instead of Penei Sewell. I promise you, it won’t do a thing. It won’t put Fields on the Lions. It won’t get you Brad Holmes’ job. It won’t get you anything other than the attention you want for being the Miss Cleo of draft Twitter.

Hamza Baccouche: Ryan has me feeling inspired — let’s take our complaints even further back. The Lions were never going to draft a quarterback in 2020. Say it with me; the Lions were never going to draft a quarterback in 2020. I don’t care if both Tua Tagovailoa and Justin Herbert end up being first-ballot hall of famers, no amount of complaining will change that fact. The QuinnTricia regime was on very thin ice in a must-win year, and the answer to that was not to spend the third overall pick on someone guaranteed to sit on the bench. What’s the alternate — entrust the fate of your whole regime to a rookie quarterback and sit a top-10 quarterback? That rookie quarterback wasn’t going to fix Patricia’s patchwork defense, the same defense that eventually sunk the regime. Get over it. Herbert’s gone. Tua’s gone. Stafford’s gone. Start watching C.J. Stroud and stop listening to folks who tell you the Lions should’ve drafted a quarterback in 2020.

Erik Schlitt: Dear Jared. We know you’re capable of throwing the ball deep. We’ve seen you do it, both in L.A. and even a handful of times here in Detroit. But you seem timid. A bit scared perhaps. Your confidence rattled. I get it, Sean’s a jerk, a bully even, but you’ve got to get past that crap, man. It sure feels like you’re going to be slinging the rock here in 2022 and if you want this city to embrace you, then you’ve got to prove you deserve it. It’s in there. Somewhere. And you need to find it. Soon.

And now, we pass it to you. Air your grievances on the Lions. It’s a Festivus for the rest of us!

Note: We’re not done with Festivus quite yet. We’ve got Feats of Strength coming up later.

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