2021 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: The Elite 8

The 2021 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament is officially off the rails. The Sweet 16 is the latest round to be completely tampered with, as three of the eight matchups were clearly impacted by voter hacking. As a result, we now have two 11-seeds and a 16-seed in the Elite Eight.

This is nothing new for the Name Bracket Tournament. Ever since people figured out how, they’ve flooded our polls with extra votes, sometimes a thousand at a time. And while you may think that we may get flawed results in the process, the true greatest names can withstand a hack or get counterhackers in their favor.

This is what me must do. We can’t waste our time mourning the losses in the past few rounds. We must use that hurt to drive us. We must ensure that those sacrifices weren’t made in vain. We must create a safe environment for our future generations to be able to live in a world where we can vote on which names we think are silliest without the fear of our voices being drowned out by spamming robots.

IT’S THE ELITE EIGHT OF THE NAME BRACKET. LET’S GET SOME.

NOTE: POLLS WILL CLOSE AT MIDNIGHT ON MONDAY NIGHT/TUESDAY MORNING.

1. Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 2. Penei Sewell

Amon-Ra St. Brown has not come close to being stopped yet. He has scored at least 90 percent of the vote in all three rounds, including an incredibly decisive 92-8 win over mouthful Charlie Taumoepeau.

But Penei Sewell will be one of the toughest matchups yet. Sewell is a fan favorite, comes with a great personality, and really brings a fresh name to the tournament. Whether it’s the first name’s similarities to... certain words or Sewell meaning “sea strong” it’s just a unique name here in the states, and we value individually. That’s why I choose to drink the artisan drink known as Dr. Pepper. You’ve probably never heard of it.

4. Levi Onwuzurike vs. 2. Ifeatu Melifonwu

Boy, the Lions 2021 draft class really knocked it out of the park this year, huh? The first half of our Elite Eight contestants all come from that class—you better pick up the slack in training camp Alim McNeill, Derrick Barnes and Jermar Jefferson.

This is a tough matchup here. If you’re Team Vowel, Ifeatu Melifonwu is probably your guy. If you’re more into consonant and high scrabble scores, Levi Onwuzurike is your dude. Either challenger here is worthy of a Final Four appearance, so I’m not going to stand in their way.

1. Corn Elder vs. 11. Romeo Okwara

Just vote Corn Elder here. Romeo Okwara is a fine name and a great player, but he has no business being in the Elite Eight here. Romeo is not a unique name, even with its Shakespearean origins. Hell, he’s not even the only Okwara on the team.

Meanwhile, Corn Elder was born with the name Cornelius, but decided he wanted to officially go as “Corn” in the NFL. That is the kind of decision that deserves high honors in this tournament, perhaps the highest honor.

16. Joel Heath vs. 11. Damion Ratley

Last round, hackers went toe-to-toe as Joel Heath continued to rage war on this tournament. The Resistance put up a good fight, taking Heath to the final hour, but nearly 5,000 votes later (normal polls had about 700 votes), the Toffee Terrorism continued.

If you’re just joining the tournament, the reason Joel Heath is still here is because his name originally sent me on a rant that toffee is bad and Heath Bars are worse. This is a stance I’m unwilling to budge from. In fact, it’s probably worth noting that butterscotch—a cousin of toffee—is a much better alternative. Basically, toffee is sugar if you cook all of the good flavor out of it. Toffee lovers would probably respond with something like, “It’s an acquired taste.” Of course, that is snob-talk for “it tastes like shit, but if you eat it enough, life will lose its color and you’ll stop caring.”

“It’s an acquired taste” is such a scam.

Oh, Damion Ratley is a pretty good name.