2021 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: The Finals

The Detroit Lions 2021 Name Bracket Tournament is nearly over, and yet again, we’ve mucked the whole damn thing up. Tourney favorite Amon-Ra St. Brown was vanquished due to a cowardly attack. Joel Heath made a deep run out simply out of spite. And now we’re just begging for the mercifully end of this disgraced tournament.

We will technically crown a winner in the next 72 hours, but, in truth, there are no winners in the Name Bracket. There are only witnesses of carnage who hope that the years of therapy that follow will help ease the loss of Corn Elder over time. Unfortunately, most of our psyches have been damaged beyond repair. Let’s just pray that our genetic makeup hasn’t been so permanently deranged that future generations will have to deal with our trauma. After all, this tournament is all about the kids.

So, for the last time in 2021, here are your Name Bracket finalists.

2. Ifeatu Melifonwu vs. 11. Damion Ratley

Ifeatu Melifonwu got here by way of the “Megatron” region. One may think that his brother Obi, who entered the NFL a few years back, may have satiated people to the name Ifeatu Melifonwu, but you’d be wrong. Melifonwu walked through the first half of this tournament without a single scare. His only true challenge was in the Final Four against Penei Sewell. It took some extra influence (see: rigging) for him topple the first-round pick, but he did it, and it’s hard to argue his place in the finals. Ifeatu Melifonwu is undeniably a fun name to say.

The opposite is true of Damion Ratley. I feel like I need a breath mint after saying the name.

But Ratley—jeez, even typing the name makes me feel gross—snuck his way to the finals thanks to some hyjinx from our audience. The evidence of voter fraud goes all the way back to the first round when he upset Alim McNeill 53-47. The shenanigans continued in Round 2, when someone stuffed the ballot to give him a 53-47 win over Quintez Cephus. A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR. HOW DID I NOT SEE IT?? In the Sweet 16, the margin was narrowed to 52-48 with Alex Anzalone being the latest victim of fraud. Perhaps angered by the break in tradition, our hacker chose violence in the final two rounds. Ratley won 69-31 over Joel Heath and 54-46 over Corn Elder.

Who is this hacker and why are they doing this?

Could it be commenter Defend The Den, who had this to say about Ratley during the Elite Eight?

Damion Ratley gives me flashbacks of the 1980’s...Jake “The Snake” Roberts and his pet, Damien. I also envision that someone with the name Damion Ratley must sport a mean mullet and although I’m not a fan of the mullet, I must tip my hat to those with the courage to confidently strut around with one.

Methinks not. It’s not this hackers M.O. to flaunt. But DtD did give me a crazy hypothesis. Who is someone we have photographic evidence of sporting a haircut dangerously close to a mullet and was almost assuredly a fan of 1980s wrestling?

Coach, you clever bastard.

VOTING CLOSES AT MIDNIGHT, TUESDAY NIGHT