2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 1

The 2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament is officially underway, and the competition has already claimed its first victim. Shockingly, readers have decided that despite technically being on the roster still, the soon-to-be-retired John Penisini will NOT be part of the final 64-man field. New addition Devin Funchess slips into the 11 seed in the top-right quadrant of the bracket.

But we start the true festivities in the top left, where one of the strongest names on the team—Amon-Ra St. Brown—resides. The second-year competitor will likely have a strong contingent, not just because of his amazing name, but because he’s also an extremely talented, extremely popular player. But there are a few sleepers in this bracket that could give him trouble.

Let’s get into it.

1 Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 16 Josh Johnson

Amon-Ra’s name has been well-trodden territory, but let me reset for the uninitiated. Amon-Ra is the Egyptian sun god, and his parents named him that because they are cool as hell. His father, John Brown, was unhappy with his own name and recognized the power of a strong name. Whether he knew his son would eventually be the top seed in a Name Bracket is unclear, but I suspect he always knew. Amon-Ra’s siblings are named Equanimeous and Osiris. We thank you for your service, John Brown.

Josh Johnson has alliteration and that’s about it. Even double Js don’t do much for you when you’re on a team with Jonah Jackson, Jerry Jacobs and Jermar Jefferson. Josh Johnson is basically a create-a-character default name, and has no business even being in this tournament. Let’s start this tournament with some sanity, and give Amon-Ra at least an 80-point win.

8 Julian Okwara vs. 9 Shane Zylstra

Alone, Julian Okwara is a pretty normal name, but when paired with his brother Romeo—yes, Romeo and Julian—it’s pretty fantastic. I feel like there are still a handful of Lions fans that have not made that connection, and that’s exactly why I’m here to bring the name knowledge to you all.

Here’s something that will blow your mind, though. The name Okwara, according to one source, means “the first male child.” If that’s the case, Julian Okwara is a walking contradiction, as Romeo is the older brother of the two.

Shane Zylstra has two names that are both pretty rare, but they don’t really play together all that well. It’s like the backfield of D’Andre Swift and (noted boxer) Adrian Peterson. In theory, it should work. In practice, absolutely not.

That said, I bet he’s led a pretty cool life knowing that he’ll always be the last person named in any alphabetical ordered list. Imagine the time you could’ve saved in school knowing you didn’t have to pay attention to roll call until the end.

5 Amani Oruwariye vs. 12 Chris Board

I love the name Amani Oruwariye because his name is like an initiation for NFL broadcasters. You can always find the play-by-play announcer who has never called a Lions game, once after they say the name Amani, they freeze like a kid who has reached the edge of a diving board for the first time. Suddenly, an intense fear paralyzes them, seeing the daunting fall below.

The name taken slowly is actually quite easy. Oh-ru-wahr-ee-aye. But once you start speeding it up, you start slurring your words like you’re four Honolulu Blue Kool-Aids in.

Board is kind of a silly last name with some pun potential, but to give you a look into my brain, the only reason Chris Board is even in this tournament is because he reminds me of one of the greatest talk show moments of all time via the late, great Norm MacDonald. Enjoy.

4 Penei Sewell vs. 13 T.J. Hockenson

With Penisini out of the tournament, Penei Sewell has cornered the market on phallic imagery in this tournament (with all due respect to Josh Woods). I’ll be honest, though, combining Penei with something that sounds kinda gross in Sewell does not conjure up good visual thoughts. Let’s move on.

When Hockenson was drafted, he was a 10 seed, and he’s slowly been falling down the ranks since. It’s been four years with Hockenson and his name has become as ordinary as Jeff Brown (sorry to all Jeff Browns out there). This should be an easy choice.

6 Alex Anzalone vs. 11 Kalif Raymond

I feel like people have not decided how they are going to pronounce the name Anzalone. There are three camps. The side that wants to avoid stereotypes by pronouncing it, Anne-Za-Loan. There’s the side that totally leans into the Italian side of the name with an AN-ZAH-LOW-NAY, with the finger gesture and everything.

Neither of those pronunciations are correct. It’s anne-zuh-LOAN-ee. That’s right. Alex Anzalone essentially rhymes with bologna. Do with that what you please.

I will do my best not to make any Ray Romano jokes while talking about Kalif Raymond. Kalif apparently means “successor” or “heir” or “Holy Boy” which has to count for something.

3 Obinna Eze vs. 14 Bruce Hector

You may be wondering who Obinna Eze is, and that would be perfectly normal. Eze is an undrafted rookie offensive tackle out of TCU who just so happened to get the most guaranteed money out of the Lions’ entire UDFA class ($170,000). Thankfully, TCU’s website has a pronunciation feature for their former players, so you can actually hear how to pronounce Eze’s name.

“oh-BEAN-uh EZZ-ay”

Any name that gets me to type the word BEAN in all caps gets an easy first-round pass for me.

That said, Bruce Hector is a strong 14 seed. Like, literally strong. Bruce. Strong. Hector. Strong. I’m not sure I could come up with a fake name that sounds more strong than that. Vinny Steele? Baron Brock? Clarence Beeftank?

7 Levi Onwuzurike vs. 10 Aidan Hutchinson

Levi Onwuzurike has the benefit of not only being dense in vowels—nearly every other letter is a vowel—but it also hits just about every rare consonant in the alphabet. The name, not including bonuses, scores an impressive 26 points on Scrabble. Plus, every time you type it out and don’t have to backspace, there’s a legitimate feeling of accomplishment.

The one thing that I love about Aidan Hutchinson’s name is that for the next several years, it will serve as a litmus test when conversing with a Lions fan. If they spell his name “Aiden,” you know you don’t have to take them seriously. If they spell it correctly, you can continue talking with said person. Ironically, former Michigan quarterback Jake Rudock (commonly misspelled as Ruddock) served the same purpose.

Hutchinson is still new to the team, so fans have a grace period until Week 1, but after that, get your act together. A-I-D-A-N.

2 Brady Breeze vs. 15 Kevin Jarvis

Brady Breeze is either the latest Mountain Dew flavor at Taco Bell or the name of some water-based superhero. Either way, he’s a strong contender in this quadrant. The double Bs are somewhat rare, and the man has Breeze in his name. What else do I need to say?

Jarvis is just a funny name to me. Unfortunately, upon googling it, I have come to realize Jarvis is the name of the Siri-like function in the Iron Man movies. “JARVIS” stands for Just A Rather Very Intelligent System which is clunky and just reeks of a first draft. “A rather very intelligent?” Redundant and annoying.

Vote Brady Breeze and move on.