2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament: Round 2, Part 2

They say nothing good happens past 2 a.m. Well, in the Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament, nothing good seem to happen after Part 2. The Name Bracket hacker is once again upon us, and like years before, they struck in darkness. Nobody seemed to notice. Nobody seemed to care.

I had already moved onto Round 2 of the tournament, assuming that all was peaceful. Little did I know that one of the strongest competitor in the tournament had been laid to waste in Part 3 of the first round.

I am here, hat in hand, to let you know that Halapoulivaati Vaitai was eliminated. He was taken down by David Blough by a vote of 1001 to 758. Considering all other Region 3 matchups had between 830 and 860 total votes, there is no doubt that our tournament is yet again under attack.

Perhaps one day we can dream of peace. But now is not the time for dreaming. Now is the time to defend, and it is up to you, dear reader, to fight for good. #JusticeForVaitai

16 David Blough vs. 9 Frank Ragnow

I will not even entertain the idea of making a case for David Blough. You must do everything in your power to make sure he doesn’t advance any further. I’m talking about a 24-hour watchguard over this poll to ensure that any attempts to make Blough win this thing are immediately thwarted. I am even willing to pay someone to do this. If we have to hire multiple people to run shifts, I can do that, too. If someone volunteers, I am willing to offer them a free one-year subscription to unlimited access to PrideOfDetroit.com.

5 D’Andre Swift vs. 4 Kerby Joseph

The Nintendo universe has expanded so much at this point, you could convince me that D’Andre Swift vs. Kerby Joseph was a Mario Kart or a Super Smash Brothers matchup. I’ve already professed my love for the Kirby video game franchise, so let’s give D’Andre Swift some praise here.

It’s easy to fall into some name fatigue with Swift since this is Year 3 of his NFL career. So let’s go back to the 2020 tournament, to regain that sense of wonder when Swift was just a wee-rookie. Back then, Swift was a four seed. Here’s what I had to say about him back then.

The D’Andre Swift puns have already begun. The most popular, of course, being “Gettin’ Swifty in here.”

What crazy luck to have the last name Swift and eventually make your way to the NFL as one of the shiftiest running backs in the nation? It’d be like naming a future quarterback Nick Rocket or a competitive eater Jason Gorge or if my name was Jeremy TriesToHardToBeFunny.

That “Rick and Morty” image is dope.

11 Devin Funchess vs. 3 Quintez Cephus

Funchess has already has some impressive victories in this tournament. He trounced John Penisini in the first ever play-in game and then followed it up by upsetting Jermar Jefferson. While I feel personally affronted when a name that utilizes the letter J is vanquished, I admit Devin Funchess is more than meets the eye, much like those cars that turn into other things. Gobots or something.

A very literal translation of the name Quintez Cephus could be “five stones” or “five flies.” Cephus is a genus of sawflies. The Cephus cinctus is a North American pest that destroys wheat crops. Now replace wheat crops with Bears secondary. In fact, add Cephus to Amon-Ra St. Brown, DJ Chark, Jameson Williams and Josh Reynolds: The Five Pests. John Leguizamo approved.

10 Jerry Jacobs vs. 2 DJ Chark

This could be a particularly tough decision for voters. Both players are beloved, and both players bring strong names to the table. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, there’s not much of a competition here. DJ Chark is a fantastic name. It’s a better name that DJ Qualls of “Road Trip” fame.

Here’s an interesting thing about DJ Chark: His real name is Darrell Demont Jr. Chark. So, technically, he’s DDJ Chark. So close to DDR.

1 Godwin Igwebuike vs. 8 Romeo Okwara

Did you know that Godwin Igwebuike rhyme with “Puke Bae”? Well, you do now. You’re welcome, emetophiles (for the love of god, do not click that link).

Romeo Okwara succeed where Julian could not, advancing to the second round after easily disposing of Garrett Griffin. I wasn’t aware we had so many students of the Immortal Bard in our readership. I’ll be sure to include a lot more stories about completely inappropriate relationships, power struggles and star-crossed lovers in the future.

5 Natrez Patrick vs. 4 Ifeatu Melifonwu

It’s not a good thing when I’ve run out of things to say about your name in Round 2, but the truth is there’s not much to Natrez Patrick beyond the first name. Natrez backwards is Zertan, which sounds like an intergalactic ruler. The humans quickly fell in the battle against Lord Zertan.

Meanwhile, Ifeatu Melifonwu is the name that keeps on giving. Is Ifeatu short for “I (de)feat you”? Who can say for sure?

11 Josh Paschal vs. 3 Zein Obeid

Last week, we noted that Paschal fits Josh perfectly, due to its religious connections to survival and perseverance. But it’s also pretty cute that it rhymes with rascal. Now, it’s time for a link that feels like one of those ads on sketchy website: WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE LITTLE RASCALS? My favorite snippet comes from the actor who played Spanky, Travis Tedford. His Instagram account proudly states “Didn’t develop drug addiction and as a result: Not famous.”

I’m still on the search to figuring out the definitive way to pronounce Zein Obeid. My money is on “ZAYN oh-beed.”

10 Jonah Jackson vs. 2 JuJu Hughes

It’s a J showdown to close out the first round. Do you prefer your Js spread out over two names or would you rather hit two Js right off the bat? Apropos of nothing, I would like to say that the original “Clerks” movie is fantastic, and the second one is an abomination. The trailer for a third one dropped recently, and it looks like some self-reflective mess. Maybe I just liked Clerks because I saw it when I was 13 or something, but man, I don’t remember ever being this disappointed—and now revolted—by sequels.