2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: The Sweet 16

Typically, the Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament is a dark and divisive time at Pride of Detroit. Feelings are hurt and rules are bent in the name of making sure our opinion is the winning opinion. For many, the Name Bracket Tournament is an excuse to flex their power and win by any means necessary. It doesn’t matter who is hurt in the process. In a lot of ways, it mirrors our political system today, albeit with far less dire consequences.

After the devastating demise of Halapoulivaati Vaitai in the second round of the tournament, it appeared we were heading down that road yet again. But just like the Name Bracket Hacker appeared out of nowhere, an anonymous hero counterattacked and ended the undeserved run of David Blough. The Hacker attempted to strike again—ballooning Blough’s votes to 1,400—but The Resistance awakened and answered with 1,789 votes for Frank Ragnow. It may not have been enough to bring Vaitai back, but vengence was served.

Now we’re left with a relatively deserving field in the Sweet 16. With the exception of ninth-seeded Frank Ragnow, everyone left is a six seed or higher. In other words, everyone remaining is worthy of cutting down the nets at the end of this thing.

Here is your 2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament Sweet 16.

1 Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 5 Amani Oruwariye

Amon vs. Amani. If it were just that simple Oruwariye would walk away with this victory due to a strong surname. But unfortunately for Amani, Amon-Ra is just the best first name in this tournament. That is not up for debate. A conscious decision was made by John Brown to make his children’s names kick ass, and that extra thought process for a decision that many people make from a book paid off in dividends.

And it’s a life lesson: give every life choice a little extra deliberation, no matter how inconsequential you may think it is. Maybe ordering that latte with oat milk will be your new favorite thing. Maybe deciding it’s been too long since your last doctor check-in turns out to be a life-saving decision. Don’t coast through life. Become the Sun God of it.

3 Obinna Eze vs. 2 Brady Breeze

A classic rivalry right up there with the rest of them. Red Sox, Yankees. Michigan, Ohio State. Lakers, Celtics. VOWELS vs. CONSONANTS.

I firmly fall on the vowel side of the debate, and Obinna (remember: oh-BEAN-uh) manages to his three different vowel sounds in just six total letters. That sort of efficiency is hard to stop. And in almost a B-Rabbit type of pre-attack, Eze manages to highlight the uniqueness of the Z before “Breeze” even gets a chance.

Buuuuuuuuut.... alliteration will get you far in this tournament, and so will sounding like the house drink of one of those tropical chains of restaurants that has about 50 too many “Life is Good” chotchkies hammered into the walls. I don’t need to be hearing “Margaritaville” at 2 p.m. on a 30-degreed November afternoon while a waiter in a Hawaiian shirt asks me if I want to start with any “happytizers.” And would it kill you to have some real Caribbean cuisine, not just fish tacos and coconut shrimp? Give me some jerked meats and plantains.

1 Kalil Pimpleton vs. 5 Shaun Dion Hamilton

These first three matchups have oddly been reflections of each other. Amon vs. Amani. Eze vs. Breeze. Pimpleton vs. Hamilton. Have we opened a rift in the space/time continuum? Are we staring at alternate versions of ourselves—perhaps ones that has hot dogs for fingers?

I’m not sure, but this matchup has a lot of syllables in it. While, in general, I appreciate brevity, there is something also to be said about those that don’t mind making an entire meal out of their name.

6 Saivion Smith vs. 2 Trinity Benson

I’m still a little shook here that Saivion Smith ousted Derrick Deese in this tournament, but I guess “deez” jokes don’t carry the weight they used to. I guess we’ll have to wait for Larry Ligma to enter the NFL Draft.

While I remain steadfast that Amon-Ra is the best first name in the tournament, Trinity isn’t far behind. I wasn’t even a big fan of The Matrix, but even I found the character of Trinity extremely bad ass. While maybe not all that subtle in terms of its religious allegories, it’s hard not to credit that film series with being extremely influential, both in terms of filmmaking and culturally. Shoutout to The Matrix movies. You’re not exactly my cup of tea, but I respect it.

9 Frank Ragnow vs. 5 D’Andre Swift

Frank Ragnow is the lowest seed in this tournament, but he’s undoubtedly a strong nine seed. Frank is one of those strong names that feels like it’s falling out of favor for whatever reason. Despite it being an extremely popular name, there appears to be just six Franks on NFL rosters right now (I’ve excluded Frankies, because... grow up). As for Ragnow... do you want me to show you the Thor photoshop definitely not a photoshop again?

I’m taking the upset here, because D’Andre Swift just doesn’t do much for me. Maybe it’s name fatigue. Maybe it’s the recent proliferation of hyphenated names. I just feel like we’ve bled this one dry.

3 Quintez Cephus vs. 2 DJ Chark

You hate to see receiver on receiver violence here. Quintez Cephus was only able to enjoy a single season as the best-named Lions receiver before Amon-Ra St. Brown quickly stole that title. Now, with DJ Chark and Kalil Pimpleton added to the mix, Cephus is the forgotten name amongst the bunch. Weird how sometimes the Name Bracket mirrors the realities of football, too.

1 Godwin Igwebuike vs. 4 Ifeatu Melifonwu

This is the Name Bracket version of two basketball teams who average 120 points per game going against each other. Just an absolute display of flash and flare from two worth competitors. Some may boringly lament the days in which teams played defense—or in this metaphor, use so many dang vowels—but those people are joyless. This is a matchup on par with Chiefs/Bills and we should all be so lucky to see the two face off.

3 Zein Obeid vs. 2 JuJu Hughes

I have spent the entire tournament trying to figure out how to pronounce Zein Obeid, and, thankfully, our own Hamza Baccouche has come to the rescue.

“Speaking as a fellow Muslim / Lebanese / Dearborner Zein Obeid’s name is most most likely pronounced ‘zain obaid’”

Obeid remains one of the best, most undertold stories of the 2022 Detroit Lions, and given the relatively small representation of Middle Easterners in the NFL, “Zein Obeid” offers a fresh take on names in this tournament.

That being said... this guy’s name is JuJu. What else needs to be said?