2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: The Elite 8

Well, hello there. It’s me, conversational-tone Jeremy. I’ve missed you. Professional Jeremy has kept me imprisoned because of boring work stuff. Something about cuts, preseason, and something called “Hard Knocks.”

But since that man is broken down, battered and extremely sleep-deprived, he’s let me out to take care of some unfinished business.

The 2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket may be on life support, but damnit, it’s not dead. When we last left the tournament, we were lamenting the defeat of Halapoulivaati Vaitai in a cruel act by the Name Bracket Hacker. But peace had been restored, and we had a relatively clean Sweet 16. That has left us with just eight competitors left, a few who are no longer even on the team, apparently. Perhaps they can make one final impression in Detroit before they’re forgotten with the Brandon Powells, Tim Toones and Xavier Proctors.

Here are your Elite Eight contenders for the 2022 Name Bracket crown:

NOTE: WE ARE SPEED-RUNNING THIS THING. POLLS END AT MIDNIGHT TONIGHT

1. Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 2. Brady Breeze

Throughout the offseason St. Brown was gaining momentum to win this entire thing. He fought off the Name Bracket Hacker who was pushing an pro-Amani Oruwariye agenda, and despite the cornerback garnering over 4800 votes (typical polls get about 1,000 total), St. Brown scored 6,247 votes on the way to a somewhat decisive victory .

His Elite Eight matchup is against a long-departed friend of ours. Brady Breeze was waived with an injury designation nearly three weeks ago, but the legacy of his hypothetical tropical island chain of restaurants remain. If you don’t immediately crave a Mai Tai when you read this kid’s name, you’re living life wrong.

1. Kalil Pimpleton vs. 6. Saivion Smith

File this under: Too soon. Our juggling friend has taken his talents to The Big Apple. Kalil Pimpleton stole our hearts during “Hard Knocks.” Watching him drop that touchdown pass in the final preseason game—and his subsequent sadness—was devastating to watch. But what better way for us to show him our appreciation for his hard work than to send him off with an imaginary Name Bracket trophy that doesn’t—and will never—exist?

It’s hard to imagine someone with the last name Smith making it this far. I’m not saying you guys messed this thing up, but I’m also not saying you didn’t. Trinity Benson clearly deserved to be in this spot, but too many of y’all can’t separate the name from the player. For shame.

5. D’Andre Swift vs. 3. Quintez Cephus

This is a fascinating matchup. It’s not often you get third-year contenders who have never won this thing this deep into the tournament. Typically, you make your deep runs in the tournament in the first couple years, and then Name Fatigue sets in and you’re forgotten like one of Andy’s toys. What an ungrateful jerk that Andy is. I kept my Daffy Duck plush toy through high school, and I’m just now realizing that is something I maybe shouldn’t be proud of.

Anyway, Swift and Cephus were 2020 draft mates, but they are bitter enemies in this tournament. It’s simply a matter of taste between the two. Are you an aspiring Dad Joke writer? Then Swift has all the puns you could possibly want. If you’re just a fan of hearing interesting names and sounds smushed together, Quintez Cephus is your guy.

4. Ifeatu Melifonwu vs. 3. Zein Obeid

Ifeatu Melifonwu is a meal of a name, with the third-most syllables on the team (7)—trailing only the aforementioned Halapoulivaati Vaitai and Amani Oruwariye. I maintain that Melifonwu is one of the most pleasurable names to say. Plus, how many people do you know who have a first and last name that both in end u? Big originality points here.

Zein Obeid is going to be a great trivia question 15 years from now. He had one of the most interesting backstories of anyone on the roster, and he was someone I was hoping would become a “Hard Knocks” star. But Obeid retired just a week into training camp. He didn’t even hang around long enough to get a Wikipedia page, but maybe if we gift him a Name Bracket Championship, he can be more famous than the child from the Arabic version of “The Voice Kids.”