2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: The Final Four

We may have found the antidote to the Name Bracket Hacker poison that has plagued this tournament for years. Our speed run of the Elite Eight—where voters had less than 24 hours to get their selections in—resulted in the cleanest round of voting we’ve seen. Each poll was within 10 votes of each other, which either means that there was virtually no ballot stuffing or an even amount across all four polls. Considering the amount of overall votes, it seems unlikely that there was any abnormal voting at all.

Which means our final four competitors in the 2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket tournament are all worthy challengers to the crown.

Once again, we are going to lightning round the Final Four, so you have until 11:59 p.m. ET on Sunday night to get your votes in.

Here are your final four contestants.

1. Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 1. Kalil Pimpleton

Let’s be honest with ourselves. This is the final. Whoever wins this matchup should be considered the heavy favorite to win it all. These two competitors are one seeds for a reason.

But if I could influence the vote a bit—and you know I will at every chance I get—I would say that Kalil Pimpleton gets the nod for me. And the only reason for this is because “Amon-Ra St. Brown” feels like a name created in the lab. It is not a natural name. Those are not two names that just happened to work together. No, this name was carefully and purposely constructed by eccentric father John Brown in order to stand out. On one hand, I appreciate Brown’s acknowledgement that a name is important and should not be a decision that is taken lightly. On the other hand, there is something to be said about natural beauty. Obviously, every name is the result of a conscious decision, but the best names are the ones that don’t feel so forced. Amon-Ra St. Brown is carefully constructed in every way, down to the addition of “St.” in the last name.

I prefer it when the two names just blend together in an effortless way. Kalil Pimpleton is one of those names.

3. Quintez Cephus vs. 4. Ifeatu Melifonwu

No disrespect to these two competitors, but this already feels like the third-place game. Quintez Cephus is a fine name that wonderfully utilizes some of the most underutilized letters in the alphabet.

Ifeatu Melifonwu is a vowel-lovers poster child. It touches all five vowels and outnumbers its consonants by a score of 8-to-7.

But both names lack that extra gear that’s needed this deep into the tournament. There’s no potential for puns here, no pop culture references I can make with their names. Both just run out of steam after you say the names enough times. I’m afraid I have to diagnose both of these players with Early-Onset Name Fatigue. But before it fully settles in, let’s give one of them a final chance to cut down the nets at the end of this thing.