(Content Warning: this fanpost contains stupid jokes. It’s like a veritable hurricane of stupid. It’s also attempting to be more family friendly this time by only using low tier swears. Reader discretion is strongly advised)
Hello Dear Readers, welcome to another installment of Recapping the Quarter Mark!
In this quarter’s recap we’ll be snorting our koolaid straight from the packet, so buckle up buttercups and say hello to my little friend!
Pictured: PoD member elgarraz
Q3 quantum state: Week 9
Week 10: Loss Angel-less Chargers
Week 10 had our Detroit Lions coming off their bye week with a trip out to sunny CA. It’s no secret that the only thing these two teams hate more than playing defense is punting the ball. So it was a game of 4th down drives and bend but also break defenses. It was a high scoring affair that had viewers glued to the edges of their seats. It was one of those games that honestly needs to post a sign warning of the danger to pregnant women and people with heart conditions, like the best roller coasters at amusement parks. Since neither team could stop the other from scoring, I was convinced it was going to be a repeat of the SEA game and had started saying prayers to the coin flip gods before the 3rd quarter had ended.
In the end, Chargers had tied up the game at 38-all and we got the ball back with 3.5 mins remaining. We came out and threw the ball to Raymond who ran for 40 yards while I was screaming at my TV for him to slide so we didn’t score too quickly. That asshole was reeeeaaallly trying to score, but thankfully the Chargers tackled him in a move that could best be described as ill advised (or utterly self destructive). Now we just had to kill ~2.5 mins and move forward ~10 yards to get in range of our weak-leg kicker.
Could we do it? I can’t watch! Tell me who wins! No, don’t, I can’t take it! 4th and 2 in range of a 44y FG with 1:45 left. Kick it right? Yeah. Duh. Gotta take the points and hope they don’t score a TD in the ~90 seconds left after. I can’t watch! They’re going for it? That’s crazy! If we don’t convert it’s short field for Chargers to kick the game winner! Don’t do it don’t do it dontdoiNOOOOOOOOYYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!!!
We converted, bled the clock to the end and kicked the game winner.
Unbelievable. What a wild game.
Afterwards the Lions’ social media team tried to meme on the Chargers’ social media team with a reference to their joke about us in their season schedule reveal. Speaking as an Expert in the field, and Literal Genius meme maker myself, I can objectively state they did a bad job. It was an already relatively obscure reference to a localized schedule release, and they made an even more obscure reference to a Charger fan’s
Week 11: Chicago Bores
In week 11 we played host to the Chicago Bears. There’s only one team in the entire league that I actually hate, and that’s the Bears. I’m in good company tho; even God hates the Bears. It’s a little known fact that people call it the Windy City because he’s perpetually farting in their general direction.
So I reeeeaally wanted to see our Lions destroy them.
Boy was the universe about have fun with my emotions.
Goff tried his best to ruin my day by throwing 3 interceptions, contributing to Chicago leading 26-14 with just over 4 minutes to play. We were done. We were about to lose to the freaking Bears. All the Lions’ fans in attendance started heading to their cars to beat traffic. It was
But remember, Dear Readers, the previous week where Campbell made moves in the late game with a mind to Win rather than to Not Lose. It’s a subtle difference linguistically, but a profound difference on the field. It’s the difference between going for it on 4th and short aiming for the TD and clock consumption to put the game firmly away, or kicking the FG to make it a 2 possession game but leaving the door slightly ajar with extra time. Because then, my lovely Dear Readers, something magical started to happen. It was as if the football gods saw CHI playing scared and started to blast Eye of the Tiger in our Lions’ heads. And not even the regular version, but like a heavier Norwegian metal version
Our Cardiac Cats saw the fan blood pressure charts from the previous week and said "hold my beer". We knifed down the field and quickly scored to make it 21-26, then finally buckled down on defense to force a quick 3-and-out. We got the ball back and marched right down the field to take the lead with less than 30 seconds to play. Lions fans who had exited the stadium started flooding back in to catch sight of this victory. There was just enough time for Fields to work some magic (Evil magic tho, not Good magic like us) and steal back the win. But then the Glorious End. While fans had been wondering where he’d been for the past few games, Hutchenson revealed he had just been practicing for his staring role in my new favorite ballet and he put. this. game. on. ice.
Week 12: Green Barf Packers
Week 12 was our Thanksgiving day matchup, and we took to Ford Field in a rematch vs the Green Bay Packers. Clearly the Lions felt very bad about the beating they put on them earlier this season, so they served themselves up as the stuffed turkey to make up for it. Goff fumbled the ball 3 times to match his 3 turnovers against CHI and we all got to enjoy a side of indigestion with our feasts. I’d write more on this but apparently I have to eat this stupid meal.
Happy Thanksgiving Y'all
Week 13: Poo Orleans Taints
In week 13 the Lions traveled to New Orleans to face off against the Saints. The Lions were set on recovering their dignity from their turkey day flop and jumped out to a quick 21-0 lead. The Superdome hadn’t been hit that hard and fast since Katrina passed through.
The Lions felt super bad about that tasteless joke and decided to let the Saints get back into the game. So bad in fact, that even when Winston came in for an injured Carr and couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn door, Branch tipped an inaccurate throw from the waiting arms of Jacobs straight into the hands of the Saints receiver that Winston had missed by a good 5 yards.
But they didn’t feel bad enough to actually let the Saints win, and walked away with a 33-28 victory. In this game, Goff finally got his head back on straight after his recent turnover problems, LaPorta had himself A Day, Gibbs and Jamo took turns showing off their delicious speed, and Bruce Irving showed he could be part of the solution with our anemic pass rush even at the ripe old age of 106 (that’s in football years fyi).
The theme of this quarter was the Lions being such nice guys they didn't want to embarrass their opponents, but honestly they can knock that crap off already and just get back to creaming ‘em. I’d really like that, thanks.
In summary: quick hits
-I’m still mad we can’t do polls anymore in fanposts. I really enjoyed being able to add an interactive joke to my posts and I hate Vox for taking that away from me almost as much as I hate the Bears (which is almost as much as Dan Campbell hates bringing out special teams on 4th down). So I’m trying something out in this fanpost. I will present the choices for answers as comments under this post (order by: oldest), and you can cast your vote by liking the comment of your choice. This quarter’s poll question is:
What record will the Detroit Lions end the season with?
-The Lions have established a quarterly pattern of going 3-1. They HAD to lose one game this quarter, I just wish it hadn’t been against a divisional opponent. But now that I’ve identified the pattern, I’m sure calling it out will break the spell. I just hope it breaks to a 4-0 next quarter so we can dodge a fanpost from our favorite hater.
-I still don’t know where to jam that 17th game in a series about quarter recaps. Damn you NFL… damn you to an inelegant hell.
-Something needs to change with our defense before we get to the post season if we want to do anything more than that. I feel confident (barring a spectacular end of season collapse) we will make playoffs, but I don’t feel confident we will win a playoff game right now. We are not pressuring QBs enough, and playoff caliber teams will pick us apart. Idk if it has to come from getting players like Houston (pass rush) or CJGJ (coverage) back from IR, or if it has to come from getting more creative with the scheme, but having a competent defense is essential for a serious Super Bowl run and as it stands now our defense is sus.
-I think it’s important to maintain perspective. Coming into this season nobody expected the Lions to do more than compete for a division title and a playoff spot. In August, nobody serious would have considered the season a failure if we didn’t win the Super Bowl. Our bar was playoffs, and as it stands we’re still on course for what we all would have considered a successful season coming into it. I’m a longtime fan and I’m starved for DET to win a SB, but let’s not lose sight of that, or disregard improvements we’ve seen year over year thus far.
-9-3 boys! How’s it feel? I see a lot of doom and gloom in the game day comments sections and I accept that fans have a right to be passionate and express that passion, but this team is having its most successful run of (most of) our lifetimes. Maybe Holmes is a fool for not strictly adhering to positional value and maybe Glenn needs to be fired and maybe Ben doesn’t really have a brilliant offensive mind and maybe Campbell is just a meathead who cant do the X’s and O’s like some folks say, but goddammit we are 9-3 bitches!
Historical photo of Lions fans the last time our record was this good