2023 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 4

No, I have not forgotten about this. Yes, figuring out the best name on the Detroit Lions 2023 roster is still important to me. No, I cannot prove that the previous statement is true. Yes, I have had a procrastination problem my entire life. No, I don’t need your advice to fix me. Yes, this entire paragraph is actually a call for help. No, I don’t think this bit is funny, either.

Here is your final region for first round of the 2023 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament.

1. Derrick Deese vs. 16. Tom Kennedy

I thought we were done with Deez Nuts jokes, and they weren’t funny anymore. But when Dan Campbell says “Deez Nuts” on HBO when referring to Derrick Deese, it gives the joke life for at least another two years. So enjoy the next 12 months while you can.

I’m not going to say much about Tom Kennedy, but I will use this space to profess my adoration for the TV show “Clone High.” The connection: the show is a cartoon high school drama parody where the main characters are clones of famous people. JFK is one of the main characters on the show, hence the tie-in with Tom Kennedy. The show originally aired on MTV in 2002, but it was forced into cult classic territory after it was cancelled in its first season. But Max just rebooted it, and the new season is fun. Go watch it, Wesley.

8. C.J. Gardner-Johnson vs. 9. Graham Glasgow

CJGJ vs. GG.

Interesting note about C.J. Gardner-Johnson’s name: he used to be just C.J. Gardner Jr., but added the hyphenated Johnson to the end to honor his stepfather, who helped raise him. That scores a lot of points for me—I appreciate someone who takes control of his own name, especially if it’s for unselfish reasons.

Graham Glasgow is a solid name with the triple G sounds and one third of a s’mores. Speaking of s’mores, I will not stand for any slander of that dessert. The rant at the end of “The Menu” made no sense. The s’more is beautiful. It’s somehow simple, yet complex in both flavor and texture. You also make it at campfires, which undeniably kick ass. There is nothing more Michigan summer than a campfire.

5. Alex Anzalone vs. 12. Darrin Paulo

There are some sick people on the internet that like to switch around the letters in Alex Anzalone’s last name. Those people are heathens—grotesque beings who are far too disgusting even for this degrading tournament. Instead, just pronounce his name with a borderline offensive Italian accent like the rest of us.

Marco. Paulo.

4. Dylan Drummond vs. 13. Julian Okwara

Drummond is a somewhat popular surname these days, but I love it. Reminds me of Lions legend Eddie Drummond or former Pistons legend participant Andre Drummond. Okay, that’s mean. I’m not really a Pistons guy, so I don’t really even know how we look back on the Drummond era. Is a two-time All Star a success story for the ninth overall pick, or are we mad about him? Please tell me how I should feel about Andre Drummond’s legacy. I am incapable of original thought when it comes to the Detroit Pistons.

Hey, it’s the other Okwara brother. Oof, I bet he hates being called “the other brother.” I take that back, Julian. Today, you are THE Okwara brother. Shout out to all the younger siblings out there. You live in your own shadow.

6. Colby Sorsdal vs. 11. Parker Romo

Saying the name Colby Sorsdal does some weird things to my mouth that I’m not sure if I love or hate. It’s the Nicholas Cage of names: is it good or bad?

Something about the vowel-consonant combos: “oh-l” “ohrs” “dahl.” That’s a lot of lip pursing.

Parker Romo is a little underseeded here. Parker is such a quaint first name. It feels like a true throwback, which I didn’t think was possible with names. In 60 years, is it going to be cool to be named “Dolores” or “Abagail” or “Eleanor” or “Bernard”?

3. Ross Pierschbacher vs. 14. Maurice Alexander

Both names here are a mouthful, but only one of these names truly feels like it packs a punch.

PIERSCHBACHER.

The man’s name sounds like an Arnold Schwarzenegger-played villain. Just say the following sentences in your thickest Schwarzenegger accent.

I AM THE PIERSCHBACHER. HUMAN KIND WILL NOT BE SPARED.

Tell me I’m wrong.

7. Trevor Nowaske vs. 10. Frank Ragnow

Trevor Nowaske is the C- version of the name Dirk Nowitzki. That’s still a solid name since Dirk Nowitzki is an all-timer when it comes to sports names. Unfortunately, that W is not pronounced like a V, and it’s a pretty straightforward “no-wah-skee” pronunciation. Gonna have to dock you some points for that, Trevor.

I’ve become a bit satiated to Frank Ragnow’s name, but, man, it does remain tough. I just want to ball my hand into a fist when I say the word Frank, and then throw an uppercut while screaming “RAGNOW.” I’m calling for an upset here.

2. Ifeatu Melifonwu vs. 15. Sam LaPorta

Once you learn how to say the name “Ifeatu Melifonwu,” it feels like you’re part of a secret handshake club. “ih-fah-too, mel-ih-fahn-woo.” The name will scare off an unsuspecting color commentator, but those who are part of the club know that this name isn’t even all that challenging to say. We get it. We’re cool.

I like the name LaPorta, but it doesn’t inspire me.