2023 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 3

Voting for the first two regions of our 2023 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament is still open, but it’s time to take a look at the right side of the bracket in what may be the most stacked region.

Here’s an overview of the top right section:

Let’s get into the matchups:

1. Halapoulivaati Vaitai vs. 16. Brad Cecil

If this is your first Name Bracket, let me impart some wisdom that will improve your life instantly and dramatically. The name Halapoulivaati Vaitai looks intimidating. Cowards will call him or write his name as “Big V.” You don’t have to be that guy any longer.

Just say his name to the tune of “Play That Funky Music White Boy,” and you will never mispronounce his name again. “Ha-la-poo-lee-vah-tee vaiiii-taiiiii.”

I have given this advice to writers, broadcasters, and fans alike, and it has changed more lives than the insanely economical deals inside the Taco Bell app. (Not a sponsor, but, for real, “Build Your Own Box” is an absolute game changer.)

Brad Cecil made the tournament because he reminded me of brighter days for the Detroit Tigers with Cecil Fielder.

8. Alim McNeill vs. 9. Logan Stenberg

This is the quintessential 8 vs. 9 matchup. Two extremely mediocre names. I like the pairing of eee sounds with Uh-leem Mc-nee-ul, but there’s not much else there. Both Logan and Stenberg are strong offensive lineman names, but X-Men movies are played out at this point, so any puns with the name Logan are a little tired.

5. Emmanuel Moseley vs. 12. Cory Durden

Emmanuel Moseley is just familiar enough to feel comfortable, yet unique enough to stand out from the crowd. E is one of my favorite letters, and, no, I cannot explain why. Not only does the name kick off with an E, but he throws an extra, unneeded one in MosEley, too. I wonder if he got that extra E from Devon Banks.

As for Cory Durden, is it possible to even talk about this name without bringing up “Fight Club”? How many people have gone up to Cory Durden and said, “His name is Cory Durden.” Fun fact: Cory Durden is 227 days older than the movie “Fight Club.” I imagine he has been forced to see the aggressively-mediocre movie due to all the jokes made at his name’s expense. Don’t get me wrong, Ed Norton is a top-three actor for me, and the movie introduced a teenage Me to the Pixies (side note: I’m now listening to a one-hour loop of the piano version of “Where is My Mind?”) But this is a movie—just like “Scarface”—that is waayyy overhyped by fratboys.

4. Isaiah Buggs vs. 13. John Cominsky

I hate to pit these two against each other, but the man’s name is BUGGS fergodsakes. I know we all love The Commish, but you don’t have to do anything to the name Buggs to make it awesome. Use it as a noun, use it as a verb. Isaiah Buggs is an elite name, and because he was acquired late last year, this is his first Name Bracket Tournament. I’m eager to see how far he can go.

6. Penei Sewell vs. 11. Jake McQuaide

Okay, this matchup isn’t fair. I have made a grave error. In all honesty, both of these names are worthy of a deep run. There will never be another Penei Sewell, and you want to talk perfect use of the letter E? *chef’s kiss*

But, man, Jake McQuaide is so good of a name, it sounds like it was made up by a TV executive. If there was a criminal waiting to be interrogated and his lawyer told him it would be Jake McQuaide who was interviewing him, he would immediately confess to everything. Jake McQuaide doesn’t play by the rules. Jake McQuaide is too old for this shit. Jake McQuaide is one day away from retirement, but he’s going to cause hell on his way out.

3. Brady Breeze vs. 14. Jonah Jackson

It’s one thing to have a name like Brady Breeze—who sounds like either a Parrothead or a waiter at TGI Fridays who hit his limit on pieces of flair—but this is a perfect name-to-person match. There are no great current photos of him, but he’ll oftentimes be the guy in the locker room with the longest, freest-flowing blonde hair.

It’s an unfortunate draw for Jonah Jackson, who has a perfectly strong name and is probably a little underseeded here. But this is the Name Bracket Tournament. The bar is set high, we can’t just let anyone into this club. What do you think this is, Club Aqua?

7. Germain Ifedi vs. 10. Ryan Swoboda

Another strong matchup here between two newcomers to the tourney. But I think the thing that is most GERMAIN to this matchup breakdown is bringing it with both first and last name. Germain Ifedi does that, Ryan Swoboda doesn’t. That said, there are not enough words with the “swo” combo, because all of them are fun to say. Sword, swoon, swoop, swob, swore, swole. Whoever invents words needs to invent more swo- words.

2. Trinity Benson vs. 15. Khalil Dorsey

Every year, Trinity Benson doesn’t get as far as he should in this tournament, and I blame you haters for it. Sure, the trade for Trinity Benson hasn’t worked out, but it hasn’t hampered the Lions in any meaningful way, and—at the same time—it’s kind of a miracle he’s still hanging around almost two full years later. Trinity... miracle. It’s all coming together.

In case you were wondering if Khalil Dorsey and John Dorsey are related, they are not. But Khalil was an active member in the Baltimore community during his time with the Ravens. I have to say that I have a ton of respect for the players who are on the fringe of NFL roster doing that extra community time. You know they are truly doing it for the betterment of the community. Shout out to Khalil Dorsey..... buuuuuut see you in next year’s tournament.